


Impressions of Himself

by iliketocolor



Category: Glee
Genre: Prostitution, Self-Harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-04-17
Updated: 2013-04-17
Packaged: 2017-12-08 18:50:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 13
Words: 30,322
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/764806
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/iliketocolor/pseuds/iliketocolor
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This is about Sam's work as a stripper and how never told the whole truth about how much he was actually taking off for people. This kind will lead up to and go along with Season 3: Hold Onto 16 and I just fill in the blanks with my version. </p><p>Trigger Warning for prostitution and self harm.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Sam Evans walked into Stallionz hesitantly. He’d been working at the Dairy Queen ever since his family got settled in Kentucky. It was fairly easy to get the job. He didn’t have any job experience, but he easily flirted his way through the interview. The only problem is that no matter how many hours he worked, it wasn’t enough money. His dad had settled in his construction job and was earning enough to pay the rent and the utilities on their home, but Sam needed to put food on the table and pick up other random expenses that the family had. That’s how he ended up at Stallions on that cool autumn evening.

He’d heard about the strip club from his buddy, Jack, who he met at his new school. Not really a friend, but it was a relationship of convenience. Sam had someone to sit with at lunch and do group projects with. Sam was too stressed out and to be honest, slightly depressed, to spend time making friends at his new school. He didn’t have time. Any minute he didn’t spend in school or doing homework, he was working or babysitting his sister Stacy and brother Stevie. Jack’s older brother worked at Stallions and said it was good money. Sam thought about it for a couple weeks before actually taking the job. It was the look of desperation on his little brother’s face the night before that made Sam decide to strip. His younger siblings were being amazingly resilient about all the hardships and changes going on lately, but they were still kids, and eating leftovers of mac and cheese night after night could only go so far.

He met with the manager of the club and was given a short tour of the club. He wasn’t entirely comfortable, but he was good at covering how awkward he felt, especially when he had to strip down to his boxers and prove he had the body for the job. He was instantly given the job and told to show up for a stripper’s tutorial that Saturday.

Sam walked out of the club and couldn’t quite tell what he was feeling. Instead of dwelling on it, he figured he would just wait and see how the job actually was before he started thinking anything good or bad.

*********

Sam woke up on Saturday to his little brother jumping on his bed.

“Sam! Wake up! Can you teach me more football today?”

Sam rubbed his eyes and smiled. He never minded being woken up by his siblings. They were always so sweet. He looked at the clock on the nightstand. 10 AM, he knew he had to be at the strip club at 2 that afternoon. “You know what buddy, I have some time before work. Let me get dressed and I’ll meet you outside.”

His little brother ran out of the room with a smile and Sam chuckled to himself. He slowly got out of bed and rubbed the back of his neck. He was sure it was going to be a long day.

The hours seemed to go by so fast. Before Sam knew it, his mom was calling out the door to the boys, claiming it was lunch time.

“Come on man, it’s 12:30, time for lunch.” Sam said, tossing the ball to his brother one more time.

The boys went in and ate with the rest of the family. He looked at his family and knew he had made the right decision. He loved them all so much and as long as he had them, he was sure things would be great.

After lunch, he quickly showered and threw on some clothes. He figured it didn’t really matter what he wore, he’d be taking it all off anyway. He arrived right on time and put on his best look of confidence. He knew he had a good body. He worked hard to keep his abs perfect; he might as well use what he had.

His stripper training went pretty well. He was already a decent dancer; he just needed to add in the whole taking-of-his-clothes bit. At 6 that night, he was allowed an hour dinner break before he had to go back stage and work with the manager on what his act would be. He would go on at 10 o’clock, not the opening act, but definitely not the last.

He wasn’t hungry during his hour break. He went for a walk for a bit before going back stage to see if anyone back there could calm his nerves. He was actually getting kind of excited. Sure he was nervous but the only way he was going to get through this was seeing it as a chance to dance and show off all the work he’d done at the gym over the years.  After his break, the manager of the club decided to try him out with a fireman’s outfit for the first night. It was apparently an easy starter routine that was always a huge hit with the ladies.

As 10 rolled around, Sam waited anxiously backstage. He stared at the floor waiting for the announcer to call his new stripper name: White Chocolate. He wondered if the floor’s pattern originally included the glitter or if it had just become ground into the flooring over the years.

Once he heard his name, the walk out onto the stage seemed to be a blur. The mixture of lights, thumping music, and screaming ladies overwhelmed Sam for a second, but he quickly focused on the dance moves that he’d memorized all afternoon.

Sam walked off stage with an odd kind of performance high. The other dancers backstage were smiling and patting his back as he walked back towards his chair. He stood in front of the mirror and started gathering the dollar bills out of his crotch. He threw them on the chair next to him and ran his hand through his hair. The manager approached him as he started to gather up and straighten out the bills.

“Those are all yours kid. That was real good tonight. How’d ya like it?”

Sam continued to collect his money and thought over what he really thought about tonight. “Um. It was alright. I don’t know, kind of intimidating.”

“You’ll get used to it. How often can you work?”

“As many nights as I can. I only have school during the day.”

“Perfect! We’re closed Sundays. Thursdays, Fridays, and Saturdays are our biggest nights. You can take off Mondays or Tuesdays if you want.”

Sam didn’t say anything as he counted the money he now had in his hand, $40 for one 10 minute dance. “You know what… I don’t know if I need a day off. ”

The manager laughed. “Alright kid. Let me know if you change your mind on that. See you on Monday.”

Sam nodded and sat down in his chair as the manager walked away. He stared at the money in his hand and a small smile slowly spread across his face. After a moment, he got up and walked to his locker. He put his money into his previously empty wallet before grabbing a towel so he could shower. He was glad that the club was smart enough to have a shower in the back for the performers to use either before or after their act. He really didn’t need to go home smelling of sweat, perfume, and naked men.

He made it home by 11 and made sure to enter his home quietly. His family would all be in bed by now. Hopefully his parents wouldn’t ask why he was home later than a usual dairy queen shift, and luckily, they were already sleeping and didn’t even notice when he came home and crept into the bed he shared with his little brother. He lay in bed and thought about what his excuses would be as his parents started asking questions over the next couple weeks. As his brother snuggled up next to him, he started to feel a little less confident about what he was getting into.


	2. Chapter 2

Sam’s first week at Stallionz of kind of exhilarating if only for the fact that he was still amazed that he was earning an average of $100 a night. He did 3 acts a night and was always home right before midnight. He saved his money and gave it to his mom at the end of the week. The $570 that he gave to his mother floored her. The paychecks he usually brought in were about a quarter of that. He’d gone to the bank and made sure to trade in his singles for 20s in order to look less suspicious

“Wha… How? Sam…” His mother stared at him, really hoping he didn’t rob some place.

Sam had thought all week about how he was going to explain things. “Uh, I wanted to surprise you. I got a promotion at the Dairy Queen and it came with a pay raise.”

Sam’s mother smiled and hugged him. “That’s amazing sweetie! I’m so glad you’re doing well, but please don’t overwork yourself.”

***********

The third week that Sam was a stripper the job started to lose its newness. It was his third Saturday at Stallionz and he had begun to hate himself. He didn’t quite know what it was that was bothering him the most. He had earned $180 in the single night, so that was definitely a positive, it was the most he’d earned in one night. As he walked home from the club he thought about what would happen if his old friends from McKinley ever knew that he had started doing this. They would probably never speak to him again. He knew they were accepting of everyone, but he knew that no one would be accepting of a stripper. It was most likely the shame that was giving him the empty feeling in his stomach. His couldn’t quite pin the other feelings he was having. It almost seemed that he felt worthless, but he knew he was worth at least $80 a night, so it couldn’t have been that.

Walking into his home, he frowned. He hated that he wasn’t able to tuck in his brother and sister and read them stories before bed anymore. When he was really working at the Dairy Queen, he was home in time to read to them. They loved when he did the voices of all the characters and he loved making them smile. It was 1 AM and he had never gotten home that late before. To his surprise, his dad was up waiting for him.

“Oh…hey dad. What are you still doing up?”

“I was worried Sam. I was pretty sure Dairy Queen closes at 10,” his dad said, looking up from the book he had been reading.

“Yeah, yeah it does. I went out with some friends after work. The girls really wanted to hang out and catch a movie. I hope that’s okay…”

“Of course it is Sam. I’m glad you are getting out there and making friends. I’m really sorry that you’ve had to grow up so fast. I’m really disappointed in myself that you’ve had to pick up my slack.”

“It’s okay dad. I… I don’t mind, really.”

Sam could see his father’s face fall. Sam didn’t know what was really going on with his father, but whatever it was, it added to Sam’s self-hatred for making his father feel so bad about himself.

“Sam, your mom told me about your promotion and I’m really proud of you. I just wish that you could be like other teenagers and keep your own hard earned money. I’m sorry I can’t properly provide for this family.”

“Dad, I am glad I can help out… How are we doing though….really?”

Sam’s father sighed. “We’re a little short on the rent this month. It’s my fault really, but the company won’t let me take overtime… And apparently your brother is growing so quick that he’s growing out of his clothes.”

“Oh,” was all Sam could think to say. He had $180 in his pocket, but he couldn’t exactly hand it over right now. It wouldn’t make any sense in the story he had so carefully plotted out for his parents. “Don’t worry about it dad. I’ve picked up some more hours and I’ll get you the money by the end of the week.”

Before Sam’s father could reply, Sam stood up. “I’m tired. I’m gonna get some sleep…seriously, everything is going to be fine.”

Sam wasn’t sure exactly how he was going to pull it off, but in the back of his mind, he had begun to remember what one of the other dancers, Justin, had said about some extra work after closing that the ladies love the most.


	3. Chapter 3

Mondays were slow nights at Stallions and it was the lowest paying nights. Luckily that meant that he could talk to Justin about earning more money. Justin walked off the stage with a smile on his face.

“Man, I really do love the ladies.”

Sam turned in his chair to see the buff man grab a towel and wipe down his abs. “Hey Justin… you mentioned a while back an extra gig you got going on…”

Justin smiled. “Ha ha. I knew you’d get interested. Alright man. You got one last dance in 5 minutes right? After that, shower up and meet me out by the back door.”

Sam had a sinking feeling in his stomach as he opened the door to the back alleyway. His mind hadn’t been on his dancing at all that night. He knew what Justin did and Sam knew what he was getting into, at least he thought he did.

He saw Justin talking to a small red headed woman who looked about 40, and smoking a cigarette by the dumpster. He slowly walked over, keeping his confidence masking his discomfort with his decision.

Justin spotted Sam and smiled. He held up his index finger to show the redhead to wait a moment while he talked to Sam. He put his arm around Sam’s shoulder and took a few steps away from the woman.

“Cool, cool. You’re no virgin right man? I mean I’ve seen your moves on stage, no way you’ve kept it in your pants.”

Sam gave a nervous laugh. “Uh, yeah I’ve done it a couple times.”

“Good... Perfect. So I’m giving you this redhead tonight. She’s good money, but you gotta know, usually it’s men who are interested in our services. I figured you wouldn’t be ready for that.”

An alarm went off in Sam’s head. There was no way that he wanted to have sex with a man. He could barely stomach what he was about to do with this woman. He nodded and turned to look at the woman.

Justin could see that Sam’s confidence was wavering. “Look, she knows how to do this. She’ll give the money up front.” He placed a condom in Sam’s hand and turned him around, walking towards the redhead.

“Gina, this is Sam. I trust you saw his show tonight.”

Gina smiled and took Sam’s hand. “Oh I saw it. And I have special plans for him.”

Sam gave a shy smile and put the condom in his pocket.

“Awe, he’s a shy one.” Gina laughed playfully and pulled Sam away from Justin and nearer to her.

Sam followed behind her as they walked to the parking lot. He peeked back at Justin and watched him walk towards a tall tan man with curly black hair. Sam turned back around and followed Gina towards the motel that was a block away from the strip club.

As he walked, he continued to get more and more nervous. He found himself digging his fingernails into his palm as he balled his hand into a fist. It calmed him slightly and he tried to just forget that he was being paid for tonight. He even thought up a back story about meeting Gina at the park or something and that she was just a woman who was interested in a normal one night stand.

Gina unlocked the door to her motel room and pulled Sam in. She pushed him against the door as soon as they were in the room. Sam lost himself in the soft, smoky, kiss that Gina demanded from him. She tasted like smoke and vanilla and it was nice enough for Sam to forget about things for a moment. It wasn’t until she broke the kiss and walked towards the bed that he remembered what he was actually doing.

She reached down towards her purse near the bed and pulled out a wad of bills.

“I believe $200 is the going rate for the night. Hopefully you can last as long as my normal boys.” She smiled and placed the money in his pocket, letting it take the place of the condom as she pulled it out.

Sam took a deep breath as Gina walked back to the bed and sat on the edge. He hadn’t lied when he said he’d had sex before. But really, he was only with two girls… He lost his virginity 2 years ago to his girlfriend at the time, and the other girl was Mercedes over the summer.

“Alrighty boy, I want a private show.”

Sam took a couple steps closer towards the bed and began his normal routine. He figured that was an easy start. Gina nearly salivated as Sam’s body rolled and his muscles flexed.

Once Sam’s clothes were off and he was down to his boxers, Gina crooked her finger, motioning for Sam to come close to her. She grabbed his waist and gently outlined his groin. Then, in one swift motion, she pulled his boxers down and watched as his cock slowly started getting hard. Sam’s breath hitched as he was suddenly extremely aware that there was a woman handling his cock. He looked up to the ceiling and closed his eyes as she opened the condom wrapper. He shuttered slightly as he was surprised when Gina had put the condom on the tip of his penis and unrolled it down his shaft with her mouth.

Once she had made him completely hard, she removed her shirt and bra. He stared at her chest and completely forgot about that $200 that was back in his jeans. Sam knew he had to stop being so tentative. Like it or not, he was doing this. He grabbed Gina by the waist and moved her to the middle of the bed. She lay down as he stepped out of his boxers and then pulled her skirt down. Her lack of panties was not entirely a surprise.

“Oh Sammy! I didn’t think you’d take such control.” Gina smiled and pulled him down on top of her. He kissed her soft lips again before beginning to move down her body. He spent several minutes at her collarbone before slowly moving down towards her breasts. If she wanted him to last long, he could go on and on with the foreplay. He let his hands follow the curves of her body until she reached down and took his face in her hands.

“Just fuck me already.”

He was hesitant as he repositioned himself but she didn’t notice. For 45 minutes Sam tried to focus on her. Lasting as long as she wanted wasn’t a problem for Sam tonight. He was so caught up in his own head that he couldn’t enjoy sex the way he normally would have. He wanted to enjoy this. The woman was really good looking for her age. Her red hair contrasted her soft pale skin and her curves left nothing to be desired. He just didn’t know her. He had no connection to her except this physical need that his body picked up. She didn’t even know him; she just liked how his abs were hard and his body young and willing. His thoughts were only interrupted by her moans of pleasure. Apparently he was doing something right. As he could feel her tighten beneath him, he got out of his head for a moment to make sure he could finish off for her. He came directly after her orgasm rippled through her body.

 He rolled off of her and lay on his back beside her. “That’s… why I love doing it with strippers.” Gina finally breathed out.

Sam stayed emotionless and was startled as he felt her get up from the bed a moment later.

“Alright. Well. That was lovely. The room is booked for another hour, so you can clean up or do whatever. I gotta get home to my husband.” She stated bluntly and began to redress herself.

Sam opened his eyes but didn’t move. He didn’t say anything as she straightened herself up in the mirror and left the motel room. Once the door was shut, he slowly sat up. He stared around the room and could see the evidence of the night. His clothes were strewn around the room and the condom wrapper was on the floor by the bed. He stared at his jeans and remembered what was in the pocket. He suddenly couldn’t breathe. The room seemed too small and he felt he was coming out of his own skin. He got out of the bed quickly and walked to the bathroom.

He stared at his reflection in the mirror and wondered when he had given up on himself. He went so far for his family and there was no going back now. He was disgusting and he didn’t want to ever see himself again. Before he could understand what he was doing, his hand had formed into a fist and the mirror was smashed. He watched the cheap motel mirror shatter and blood start to come to the surface of his knuckles. Sam dropped to his knees at the toilet and vomited everything in his stomach, which was only a protein shake and a couple glasses of water.

After a couple of dry heaves, he sat on the edge of the bathtub and began to cry. He hated everything that had led him to making this decision. He noticed he was still wearing the condom and he finally took it off and threw it into the toilet. He stood up and flushed the toilet before staring at the shattered glass littering the sink and counter. He picked up the biggest piece and couldn’t stop the tears from falling. He walked back to the bed and sat down. The actions he takes next are ones he would never be able to explain.

He closed his hand around the piece of glass and slowly brought it to his inner thigh. He stared at himself as he seemed to watch his hand instinctively create 7 straight cuts high enough that they wouldn’t interfere with his job. As he watched the blood bubble out of the cuts and drip down his thigh, he began to feel more like himself. He dropped the bloody shard of mirror onto the floor and sighed. He didn’t realize the intensity of what he’d just done; instead he smiled and lay back down on the bed. He glanced over at the clock and noticed he only had 15 minutes until the room was no longer paid for. He also had to get home. It was nearly 2 AM and while he knew he could play it off as being with friends, he really did hate lying to his family.

He sat for about another 7 minutes. The shallow cuts he had made had stopped bleeding, but there was no hiding the pooled blood on the blanket. He didn’t care though. He just knew he needed to go. He quickly threw on his clothes and walked back into the bathroom. He couldn’t go home looking like…well, looking like a two dollar hooker, even if that’s how he felt.

He splashed water on his face and washed the blood off of his hands. When he looked up, he realized he’d shattered the mirror and he couldn’t even see how he looked. But in the end, he really didn’t care. He made sure he still had his keys and wallet before leaving the motel room that he vowed he’d never return to.

Walking home felt good. The cool breeze was just what he needed. He quietly unlocked the door and kept the lights off as he walked towards his shared bedroom. He reached for the doorknob when he realized he couldn’t go in there and share a bed with his baby brother after what he’d just done. He turned around and walked back towards the couch. He needed a shower. He wished he’d taken one at the motel, but now he’d have to wait. He curled up on the couch and fell asleep, hoping that he wouldn’t wake up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I didn’t really feel like writing a sex scene so I hope it came across okay. The semantics of sex don’t really fit in with the story because the actions aren’t as important as how Sam was feeling during it. Let me know if it didn't really work... Thanks.


	4. Chapter 4

The next day Sam was woken up at 9 AM by his mother. She knelt down beside the couch and smiled as she gently woke up her oldest son.

“Sammy honey?”

“Hmm?... Mom?”

“Sam what are you doing on the couch?”

“Huh? Oh, I was home late and just crashed here. I didn’t want to wake anyone.”

“Well that’s sweet. You look like you’re working too hard. Why don’t you get some more sleep? Sorry for waking you.”

Sam sat up on the couch and tried not to look at his mother. He felt like what he’d done was written all over his face.

“Nah, I think I’m going to take a shower and go for a run or something. I’ll take a nap later I guess.”

Sam’s mother’s smile faded into a sad smile and she just patted his hand before getting up and going to the kitchen.

“Well I’ll make you some breakfast while you’re in the shower. I’ll make your favorite.”

Sam let himself smile as he walked to the bathroom. He loved his mom’s chocolate chip pancakes and even though he didn’t deserve her love anymore, he needed to think it would be okay for a while.

He let the water run as hot as he could get it as he scrubbed every part of his body. He hated that he felt so bad about what he’d done. It was just sex, and as proven by his ability to perform, he’d enjoyed it. As the water began to turn lukewarm, Sam began to feel worse. Now there wouldn’t be enough hot water for the rest of his family. He turned off the water and slowly dried himself, taking time to look at the cuts he’d made the night before. He liked the way the pain had made him feel. He felt like it was what he deserved. He opened up the cabinet where the family kept the shaving razors. He took his from the shelf and sat on the edge of the tub. He broke the razor free from the handle and the safety plastic and dropped everything but the razor into the garbage.

As he unwrapped the towel from his waist, he didn’t even hesitate before slicing into his other thigh. He left out a hiss as the sharp pain brought him a sense of relief. He watched the blood stain his towel dark red. It was only then that he worried what he would do. He had to get rid of all the evidence.

He used the towel to apply pressure to his newest cuts. Once the bleeding had stopped, he threw the towel in the trash and grabbed a new towel. He wrapped it around his waist and took the garbage out of the bathroom with him. He carefully placed it by the back door before going into his room to get some clothes on. He quickly threw on some sweatpants and a t-shirt being quiet as not to wake his brother before going back out and taking the trash all the way to the dumpster. He could never risk anyone finding out about his new lifeline.

He walked back into the house to the smell of the chocolate chip pancakes. He stepped into the kitchen and saw a plate full of pancakes waiting for him and his mother still at the stove making more for the rest of the family.

He sat and ate his breakfast and talked with his mom about school and about how his brother and sister were doing. He finished his food and went to the sink to wash his plate.

“Honey, don’t worry about the dishes. Weren’t you going to go for a run?”

Sam placed his dish in the sink and just stood there for a moment, almost unable to continue moving.

“Sam? Is something bothering you?”

Sam shook his head and then looked up and smiled at his mother. “No, no. Just still tired I guess. I’ll go for a run and then come back for a nap. Thanks for the best breakfast.”

Sam’s mom frowned, but kissed him on the cheek before he put on his tennis shoes and stepped out of the house. He ran for about an hour. He went the opposite direction of where the club was. He felt like crap. He was 16 and already sinking so low. He thought of Mercedes and how he would never deserve a girl like her now. He thought of how Finn would get confused and how Rachel would lecture him. He thought of the pity looks Will Schuester would give him and how Puck wouldn’t understand and how he would just think that it was so cool. He knew he was going to see Justin at work again the next night and he didn’t know what he was going to do. He’d just tell Justin it wasn’t for him. Sam could stick to stripping, he’d cut back on how much he ate at home and maybe he could sell his guitar again. The glee club would be disappointed, but in all honesty, they would probably hate him more for being a prostitute than they would for re-selling his guitar.

After his run, Sam opened the front door and Stevie jumped up from the couch and ran over for a hug. It was almost lunch time, but Sam wasn’t hungry. He hugged his little brother and smiled.

“Hey man. What are you up to today?”

Stevie let go of his older brother and frowned. “Well Stacy broke the TV, so can you take us to the park?”

“I did not! It just broke, it’s not my fault!” Stacy shouted from the couch.

Sam looked at his siblings and gave a sad smile. Now the TV was just another expense Sam would have to deal with. “Yeah guys. Go eat your lunch and then we’ll go.”

Sam’s mom looked in from the kitchen. “Sam aren’t you going to eat something?”

“Nah, I’m still stuffed from those pancakes. I’m going to take a nap for a few minutes. Wake me up when they’re ready to go.”

Sam walked into his bedroom and changed out of his sweaty clothes. He would have taken another shower, but he didn’t want to waste the water and he was just going to be going back out to the park anyway. He collapsed into his bed with a sigh. He began to think about how much it would cost to repair the TV. It was only a couple minutes before his thoughts drifted and he was asleep.

**********

Sam was surprised when he woke up at 4 that afternoon. He had only expected to sleep for half an hour before taking the kids to the park. He sat up and rubbed the sleep from his eyes. As he walked into the living room, Stacy looked up from the book she was reading.

“Yay! You’re awake now!”

Stevie smiled as well and looked over to his mom. “Can he take us now…please?”

Sam looked confused but his mom nodded to Stevie before looking at Sam. “I told them to let you sleep. We’ve been reading and coloring and keeping ourselves busy.”

Sam gave a small smile. “Thanks guys. That was really nice. Well let’s get to the park before it turns dark.”

The three siblings spent about an hour and a half at the park before getting home for dinner. Sam had worked up an appetite and it seemed to actually please his mother to see him eating. The rest of the evening was pleasant. Sam even put his siblings to bed and read them a story, making sure to do all the voices, just as they liked. When he got back into the living room, his father had come home from work and was sitting at the kitchen table with his mother. They both looked stressed and worried while looking over bills. Sam just watched them for a moment. He knew he had to figure out a way to give them the extra money he had earned the night before. He couldn’t lie and add it to his paycheck at the end of the week anyway; it would be far too much.

He grabbed his wallet and walked into the kitchen.

“Mom… dad…” He said taking a seat at the table. “I have some money for bills and stuff.”

Sam’s mother looked confused. “You already gave us your paycheck Sam… Where’s this from?” She asked tentatively.

“My run today. There was this really great old woman. She needed help with her groceries and after I helped her she was telling me how much she missed having help around her house. Her husband had died a couple months back and now things were falling apart. I just did a couple small things for her and she handed me some money. I didn’t realize it was so much until I’d left her house. I thought it was just a couple bucks or something.”

He placed the $200 on the table and put his wallet back in his pocket. His parents just stared at the money and then looked at each other.

“Sam…” his father started. “That’s a lot of money. Is there something else you’ve been doing?” They couldn’t stand the thought of him selling drugs or anything. They both knew that the crystal meth market had been in the news lately for becoming a bigger problem.

“No, honestly, I was surprised as you guys are. I tried to go back to her and give the money back, but she wouldn’t hear of it. She said I was a nice kid and she’d seen me at the park before with Stacy and Stevie and I should take them to a movie or something.” It scared Sam that he could lie to his parents so easily.

Their minds eased, his parents took the money and placed it to the side with a bill for the electricity. As Sam got up from the table, his parents went back to their discussion. He could overhear them talking about how they were still going to be $300 short, even with Sam’s paycheck and with Sam’s mother getting food from the food pantry this week instead of spending the usual grocery money.

Sam sighed and went back to the living room. For now he had to get his homework done.


	5. Chapter 5

Monday morning Sam woke up wishing that he didn’t have to go to school. He was so sick of working so hard and still not understanding anything. His dyslexia made everything more difficult and he didn’t get as much help at his new school like he did at McKinley. He wished he could just drop out and work full time somewhere decent, but his parents had made him promise to stay in school at try hard. Stevie and Stacy looked up to him so much and he couldn’t let them all down. So he went about his everyday routine: school, babysit his siblings after school, head to work at 5 after his mother got home from her job.

As soon as he got to work that night, Justin ran over to him.

“Sam! My man! So I heard of your success Saturday night. Gina definitely raved about you. I’ve got a couple people who’ve asked about you now.”

Sam could feel his cheeks get red. He felt disgusted at himself. “What are you like, my pimp now?” He was getting slightly defensive.

Justin was taken aback but didn’t let it show too much. “Nah dude, I just have the connections. I’m just trying to help out a friend. I know how it’s hard to be 18 and keeping the family afloat.” He scanned Sam’s face for a reaction and didn’t get one, so he continued. “Look, if you’ve never been with a guy before, there’s a guy who’ll give you $500 tonight after your shift. You work till 10 tonight right?”

Sam’s stomach seemed to jump into his throat. This wasn’t what he wanted; he didn’t want to be involved in this world anymore. “Yeah… but Justin, this whole thing… I don’t think I can keep doing it. I’ll find some other way to earn more cash.”

Justin shook his head slowly. “Dude, there’s no other way, well unless you want to go the drugs route. I know some guys who are looking for more people to sell over at the high school, but those guys are scary as fuck. I don’t even want to get involved with them.”

So it was this or selling drugs. Sam couldn’t think straight. He didn’t know how he’d be able to explain to them how he got $500 dollars though. Maybe he could disappear on Sundays and hang out somewhere, telling them he was at work. Saturday mornings too…

Sam didn’t know where his voice came from but he was surprised when he answered “Fine.”

A smile spread across Justin’s face. “Great. Just meet him at the motel after your shift. Room 8.”

Justin patted Sam’s back before walking to the shower to get ready for his act.

Sam’s shift seemed to go by in a haze. Nothing really seemed to register with Sam as he danced and collected his singles. At 10, he noticed how much he was lingering backstage. He took his time getting dressed and saying goodbye to the other guys. But at 10:45, he still found himself in front of room 8, shutting off his emotions and preparing for what he knew would probably be one of the worst nights in his life.

************

2 hours later, Sam lay flat on the bed of the motel room, staring at the celling. Apparently he was supposed to feel this sore. According to Greg, his client of the night, everything was great. Greg was apparently a nice guy because he told Sam he always rented the room for the entire night and let whoever he was with just stay there and collect themselves. The 2 hours he spent with Greg were awkward, painful, and everything Sam never wanted. After Greg finished, he stayed with Sam for another half hour to make sure he was okay and tell him how good he was. Sam figured this is what Greg really got off on; the way a guy looked after his first time with another man. Sam however, probably wasn’t entirely what Greg had expected.

Once Greg had finally left, Sam lay on the bed for another half hour. He just couldn’t move. He was sore, but he also just wanted to die there. How was it that he ended up back here? He had intended to say no. He had intended to not make things worse for himself. He stood up and instantly wished he didn’t have to go home. He went back to his jeans and pulled out his wallet, now filled with $500. He ignored that and pulled out the razor he kept in a slot that a normal person would have kept a credit card in. He threw his wallet back onto the ground with his jeans and walked to the bathroom with his razor. He turned the shower on with the heat as high as it could go. He then sat down and began to cut vertically into his inner thighs, making almost a tic-tac-toe board of cuts with the ones he’d made over the past two days. It was funny because he hadn’t even thought about what this Greg guy would say about the cuts when he saw them. Sam was so nervous about everything else and had forgotten it might be a problem. But as soon as Greg saw them he smiled and made a comment, “Hmm… Bloodplay… I had a boyfriend once who was into using knives in bed, it was never my thing. Hope we can skip that tonight.” Sam was able to hide his confusion and instead agree, letting Greg assume what he wanted. It just made things easier that way.

When all he could focus on was the pain radiating from the cuts instead of the rest of his body, he got into the shower and let the water turn his skin bright red. He stood for a while, just letting his blood stream down his legs and mix with the clear water as it swirled down the drain. It then hit him that as much as he didn’t want to, he had to go home. He cleaned himself up and made sure he stopped bleeding before putting his clothes back on. He placed his razor in its home, in his wallet and began his slow walk home.


	6. Chapter 6

It had been a month since Sam started working at Stallionz and he was honestly just tired. He had spent his month stripping and selling himself off at the motel down the street. It still bothered him, but he was able to get through it with a comfortable numbness that he could find by cutting himself up afterwards. After his night with Greg, Sam knew he had nothing left to lose. There was no way that he could get rid of the hatred that he now had for himself, so continuing his motel routine couldn’t do anymore harm. Plus he still needed the money. It was helping out so much at home. He had begun to spend his free time at the library or behind the school doing homework or singing to himself and writing songs. This way he would say he was working more hours and lie about where all the extra money was coming from. His parents didn’t ­suspect a thing. They knew he was working all the time and they just thought the Dairy Queen paid really well. Honestly, they were just happy for the money coming in. They sat him down about a week before Rachel and Finn were going to be showing up unannounced and told Sam he could cut back his hours.

“Sam, we have some great news!” His mother said, smiling and holding her husband’s hand. “I found a permanent position as a secretary for a dentist in town. I have regular hours and the pay is a lot more than I was making at the department store. Maybe you could start spending Sundays around here again.”

Sam smiled. “That’s great mom!” He was more relieved than he could possibly tell them. “I really have missed being around. I’ll get them to cut back my hours a bit.”

In reality he went to work that night and told Justin he was done. Justin of course asked for an explanation, but he didn’t really need one. He could see what he’d done to Sam by getting him involved. The kid looked like a shell of his former self. Sure he still looked good, he had to keep up his body to keep stripping, but the permanent empty look in Sam’s eyes was always visible when he was off stage.

“Yeah…yeah kid. You were good. I’m sorry…”

Sam shrugged and got ready for his act. He didn’t feel a weight off his shoulders like he thought he would, but he felt a shift. He was so glad that he didn’t have to fuck strangers every couple days, but his self-loathing was still eating him alive, reminding him that just because he wasn’t selling himself anymore, didn’t mean he wasn’t still a disgusting slut.

A week later and Sam was preparing for it to be just another evening of dancing and dollar bills followed by an unhealthy dose of self-loathing by cutting himself open. He ripped off his stripper-construction costume and started receiving his money. Some women liked to hand it to him while others were bolder and shoved his payment directly into his pants. His face fell and he felt his whole world shatter as none other than Rachel Berry handed him a dollar bill. He instantly wanted to die as he saw the embarrassment radiating from Rachel’s body. Sam didn’t even finish his act. He just frowned and told her to meet him backstage.

He threw his clothes back on quickly and waited for Rachel to make it backstage. He wasn’t all that surprised when he found Finn was with her. He tried to explain to them the situation but the more he talked, the more he hated himself.

“Am I ashamed I work here? Yeah I’m ashamed, but we needed the money.” He stared at the wall, the floor, anywhere but at them. They were probably disgusted by him; Rachel just kept talking about how much he shouldn’t be doing this job. But then he finally understood that they just needed him back for sectionals.

He couldn’t figure out what he wanted to do. He desperately wanted to go back to Ohio with them, but he couldn’t leave his family like that. They still needed the money he brought in. In the end he knew he needed to go with them. He would end up killing himself if he had to keep doing this job. He agreed to ask his parents.

Sam was elated when his parents said that he needed to go. He needed to be a teenager again and even though they hadn’t said anything directly to him, they knew that he had been having a hard time for the past several weeks.

His father sat at the table and looked him in the eyes. “This gonna make you happy?”

Sam smiled. “You have no idea.”

And really, they didn’t. He could never tell them how much this actually meant to him. They were saving him from himself by letting him go and he could never repay them for that.

**************

Back at McKinley, Sam was welcomed back with open arms. Everyone was so glad to see him and he was honestly the happiest he’d been in months. He had missed the glee club so much and being back with them felt so right. He was only slightly annoyed when Quinn came up to him with her rich-white-girl-problems. He explained to her how much she needed to get over whatever it was that was making her so uptight and mean. And he was only slightly disappointed when Mercedes didn’t take him back right away. He knew he didn’t deserve her anymore anyway. He was trash now and she found better.

It wasn’t until New Directions rehearsal that Sam realized that things would not be as easy to fall back into as he had hoped. He was trying to help, really he was. The dances they were practicing just weren’t working and they needed something fresh and new. He showed them some moves, just a couple body rolls, but Blaine freaked on him. Sam tried to explain that sometimes when you’re desperate, you have to take drastic measures.

“You have to feel that way to help you sleep at night.” Blaine was getting worked up more and more.

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Sam could feel his skin crawl. He couldn’t handle this confrontation and he needed to see his own blood to calm down.

“It means; I’m not for sale!” Blaine was nearly shouting. As soon as the words were out of his mouth, Sam lunged at him. The fight would have been far worse had the rest of the guys not held the two juniors back from each other.

As soon as Blaine walked out of the choir room, Sam grabbed his backpack and walked out the other direction. He thought he had hit his lowest with the glee when they had made him feel like crap when they found out the whole family was living in the motel. But this time he actually knew he deserved their judgment.

He didn’t know how many people actually knew that he had been a stripper. But that’s not what he really hated himself for. Sure he showed off his body for money, that was completely different from actually selling his body, but he could never forget the fact that he had done that too. That, he knew no one else knew about. That, he knew he would never tell another living soul.

As he walked out of the school, he had no idea where he was heading. He didn’t exactly have anywhere to go. He was staying with Finn and Kurt, so it’s not like he could just leave completely. And even though he had his own car, he and Kurt and Finn all drove one car to school for the past couple days, so he was relying on them. He instead just walked back to the parking lot and saw the other guys from glee were walking out from the building now too. Just Finn and Blaine were missing. Kurt spotted Sam and ran over.

“Come on Sam, let’s get back home. We can just hang out there.”

Sam nodded hesitantly and then followed the senior to his car. The ride home was quiet. Kurt felt like a horrible person. It was his fault that Blaine knew what Sam had been doing for money. Finn and Rachel had told Kurt and of course Kurt shared it with Blaine. Now that it was out, the whole school would probably know soon.

Back at the house Sam just stood in the living room, unsure of what to do. He didn’t really like staying in other people’s homes because he always felt out of place.

“Kurt, can I go take a shower?” Sam asked quietly.

“Of course Sam, no need to ask, just make yourself at home.”

Sam gave a small smile and walked up to the bathroom. He had already been given the grand tour the other day when Finn and Rachel brought him back from Kentucky. He grabbed a change of clothes, a towel, and his toiletries before heading into the bathroom.

He closed the door quietly and locked it before turning on the shower. He stood in front of the mirror and took out his razor. He knew this would bring him back to life. He also knew he had some more space available since he didn’t have to worry about stripping.

He figured he’d be found out if he cut his arms so he kept with his thighs but he didn’t have to stay up so high anymore. He didn’t pay attention as he made more and more cuts. By the time he made his tenth cut, Sam seemed to be back in his own head. He looked at his leg and quickly got into the shower before his blood could drip onto the pure white tiles. He watched the blood mix with the water to make and orangey-red color that he had grown to know very well. He began to cry as he felt the sting of the water hit his fresh cuts.

He loved being back at McKinley, but he was so out of place now. He was lying to his friends and letting them think he was still the decent kid that they knew a couple months ago. Blaine was right to judge him. If everyone knew the truth, Blaine wouldn’t have been the only one to make comments.

Sam stayed in the shower until his cuts stopped bleeding. He then got out and dried off before putting his clothes on. He cleaned up the bathroom of his things and went back downstairs to hang out with Kurt and pretend he deserved all the hospitality they were giving him.

*******

Sam kept up his act of happy, blonde, big mouthed, glee kid while he was ever with anyone. In a matter of days, Sam’s stripper life had of course gotten around school. Jacob was even annoying him at his locker with a camera and microphone. “So Sam, do you have any comment on your career as a stripper? Are you ashamed to walk the halls of McKinley? Are the rumors of you wanting to strip in glee club true?” Sam ignored the kid and tried not to let it get to him, but the truth was that they only knew the half of it and things were bad enough. Kids had started either ignoring him or calling him the glee-club-whore.

 He had taken to spending time running on the track alone after everyone else had already left school. He could run with no one bothering him and then get a shower without anyone wondering why he spent so much time under burning hot water. He figured the hotter the water, the more effective it was at getting off the filth he felt was always dripping from him. It wasn’t until the week after sectionals that he ran into trouble. He was getting frustrated with the Glee club because they were all being so selfish and didn’t understand how none of them could see that just because it was Christmas didn’t mean everyone was happy and things were perfect. They wrote off Rory’s sadness at missing his family and they were so wrapped up in making Artie’s documentary completely blowing off the gig at the homeless shelter.

Sam stayed after school Wednesday he wanted to run a full five miles, just because he wasn’t stripping didn’t mean he could let his body fall out of shape. He always felt fat and he knew that he was only good for his body, so he had to keep it perfect.

Blaine had stayed late boxing and neither boy knew the other was around.

Blaine had apologized to Sam for his comment before sectionals, and Sam had forgiven him to keep the peace, but he knew Blaine was completely in the right. Sam deserved all the judgments and he couldn’t hate Blaine for seeing behind the mask Sam put up.

Sam was in in the shower. He had his eyes closed, letting the water burn into his skin. He didn’t hear Blaine enter.

“Um, Sam…” Blaine approached the blonde cautiously.

Sam’s eyes snapped open and he turned off the water. “Fuck. No… fuck. Blaine. What are you doing here?” Sam fumbled quickly to wrap a towel around his waist.

“I was boxing. More importantly, what… what were those marks?”

Sam shook his head. “I don’t know what you’re talking about man.” He exited the showers and walked towards his locker.

Blaine followed trying to keep his voice gentle. “Look Sam. I know what I saw.”

“No you don’t. You don’t know anything okay Blaine. Just leave me alone.” Sam wanted to get dressed, but he couldn’t take the towel off and put on his boxers until Blaine left. Blaine would definitely see the cuts if the towel came off.

“Sam, I know we haven’t been good friends, but glee club is family and I do care. Those…did you do them yourself?”

“Drop it Blaine. We’re not having some stupid heart to heart.” Sam grabbed his boxers and jeans and walked into a bathroom stall, slamming it behind him. He quickly took his towel off and put on his clothes. He closed his eyes and leaned his head against the door, taking a deep breath. This could not happen. No one could find out. He knew he couldn’t talk about one problem because he’d end up just spilling all his secrets.

He took a final deep breath and opened the door. Blaine was, of course, standing right outside the door.

“I’m sorry Sam.”

Sam huffed and pushed past Blaine.

“If you’re not going to talk to me about it, I’m going to have to tell someone else what I saw…”

Sam gave a smirk and turned to face Blaine. Knowing he could get out of this.

“And why would they believe you Blaine? There’s no way for you to prove it and no teacher in their right mind would ask me to pull down my pants. ”

“Please Sam. I just want to help.”

“No you don’t. You just feel guilty right now. You would never understand and you’ve made it perfectly clear that all you do is judge me.”

Blaine began to cry, mainly out of frustration, guilt, and fear. “I… I haven’t forgiven myself for what I said to you. There are no excuses, but I was just taking my anger at Finn out on you and I’m so sorry. I thought we already talked about that. I never…  I don’t-”

“Stop. Just stop Blaine. You do not get to do this okay. You have every right to judge me. You just didn’t know how right you are about me.” Sam was shaking. He really needed Blaine to leave. He really needed to cut.

“No one is allowed to judge you Sam. I don’t know why you hurt yourself, but you need to stop.”

“Right. Sure okay. Thanks for the pep talk. See you in glee tomorrow.” Sam put his shirt on and threw the rest of his stuff in his backpack.

Blaine was left standing alone in the empty boy’s locker room, hating himself for not being able to help Sam.


	7. Chapter 7

The next day at school, Kurt found Blaine before the first period bell as he usually did. Blaine didn’t look happy though. He was distracted and Kurt could tell right away.

“Blaine… you love Thursdays, and you especially love seeing me every morning. What’s wrong?”

“I’m just worried about Sam is all.” Blaine was getting flustered as he tried to remember which books he needed from his locker.

Kurt raised an eyebrow in confusion. “Why would you need to be worried about Sam?”

Blaine sighed and closed his locker. “Yesterday... I finished boxing and walked into the locker room. I didn’t know he was in there, but he was there taking a shower and… Kurt… when he turned around, I saw all… all these cuts. They’re all over his thighs…”

Kurt gasped and covered his mouth. “What? Are… are you sure?”

“Yeah. He um… he admitted it but wouldn’t talk about it. When I told him I’d tell…he said no one would believe me.”

Kurt leaned his back against the locker and closed his eyes. They had to figure out what to do.

“I’ll talk to him. If he doesn’t open up to me or Finn, we’ll tell Mr. Schue.”

*************

Kurt couldn’t keep his attention on anything the rest of the day. He really wanted to pull Sam aside the first moment he saw him, but he really needed to deal with this properly. After glee that afternoon, Kurt, Blaine, and Sam all went back to the Hudson-Hummel home to hang out and play videogames. Or in Kurt’s case, read vogue while occasionally cheering Blaine on.

At least that’s what Kurt and Blaine needed Sam to think was going to happen. As they pulled into the driveway, Kurt was glad that Finn was hanging out with Puck. He was pretty sure Finn would not understand what was happening with Sam.

The boys went in and got comfortable in the living room. But before Sam could turn on the TV, Kurt stopped him.

“Sam, I think we should talk about something.”

Sam sighed. He knew this was coming. He was actually surprised they hadn’t already told the entire glee club and forced him to sing a song about it.

“I take it Blaine told you what he thought he saw yesterday.”

Blaine turned his head away, looking at the wall next to him to think. He was so frustrated. He wanted to help and he wanted to be friends with Sam. “You and I both know your thighs are covered in cuts and we just want to help you. You shouldn’t be doing this to yourself. Why would you do this Sam?”

Sam tried to keep himself grounded. He kind of zoned out but heard Blaine asking him why he cut. Then he heard Kurt start to ramble on about getting help or talking or something. Sam just wanted to be left alone.

“You really want to know? Because I’m pretty sure that if I let the truth out, I could never show my face again. I don’t deserve any better and I hate myself every day. So no, I don’t want and don’t deserve your help. Just leave me alone, okay?”

The three boys just sat in silence. Kurt began to cry. He had never realized Sam would hate himself and he hated seeing Sam this way. After all he’s done for his family and how talented and beautiful he is. He has no reason to hate himself. Kurt tried to explain all of these things to Sam, but Sam didn’t seem to hear any of it. Blaine could see that Sam was shutting down.

“Sam, just because you were a stripper doesn’t mean that you are worth any less than anyone else. You did what you had to do to help your family and you should never feel bad about that. We can’t imagine what it is like to live in the situation you’ve had and to be honest I could never be as strong as you’ve been. I admire you for the way you’ve kept on going.”

Sam began to cry. He just wanted them to stop talking. “Stop. I don’t deserve support, admiration, help, anything. Just stop.” He tried to get up and walk to his room, but the boys blocked the exit path so he sat back down.

Kurt looked at the blonde and couldn’t understand were all the self-hate was coming from. He didn’t understand how much Sam just wanted everyone to be quiet. “How can you hate yourself so much Sam? Plenty of people are strippers, but things are better now and you don’t have to rely on that anymore. No one in glee has treated you any differently-”

“SHUT UP!” Sam was sick of their stupid support that they would never give if they knew the truth. He just wanted them to leave him alone.

Kurt and Blaine glanced at each other. They had never seen Sam like this and they didn’t understand what they were actually dealing with. This wasn’t the Sam they knew. They really did not want to push Sam too far. Kurt began to think they’d handled this all wrong and was about to apologize when Sam stood up and let go of the secret that had eaten him alive.

“I wasn’t just stripping for that money. Do you know how many people I had sex with?  Guess… Just guess how fucking disgusting I am.”

Neither of the boys he was addressing said anything. They were stunned at the admission that they had never expected.

“15. I fucked 15 strangers and they left the money in my pockets. The majority of which were men. I’d strip until midnight and then keep the show going at the motel down the road. We had enough money for whatever came up and my sister and brother started to smile again. My mom was less stressed and my dad didn’t have to worry about the fact that he couldn’t bring in enough money each month-”

Sam stopped suddenly and realized what he had just admitted. It was out and soon everyone would know. He would have to leave McKinley again. He’d have to go back to Kentucky and start his routine all over again. His breathing became quick and shallow. He turned and left the living room, running out the front door. Foregoing his car, he knew he just needed to run. Blaine and Kurt were still in shock for a moment, but then tried to go after him. Unfortunately for them, Sam was in far better shape than they were and he was long gone.

Kurt wiped his eyes and pulled his phone out of his pocket. He called his father as Blaine called Mr. Schue. Sam needed a lot of help, but first they had to find him. The calls were kept brief. Both men were told that Sam was in trouble and the boys would explain when the adults arrived.

Sam didn’t know where he was going. He was just running. He hated that he couldn’t be stronger. He just panicked and knew he had to get out before he could see just how much Kurt and Blaine were revolted by him now. He ran until it seemed his legs were going to give out. As it turned out, Sam had made it 5 miles before he had to stop. He slowed to a walk as he tried to figure out where he had run to.

He looked around and instantly recognized it. It was the street of the old house that’s foreclosure started his entire downfall. He knew his house was probably sold to someone else by now, but he could go to the park that was just another street down. He used to love taking Stacy and Stevie there after they would all get home from school. He went to the park and just sat, wondering what he was supposed to do now.

Back at the Hudson-Hummel’s Burt and Will had just arrived within a couple minutes of each other. They found the younger boys sitting on the steps outside the house. Kurt shot up when Burt arrived first, hugging his father and crying. When Will arrived, Blaine opened the front door and was the first to go in, knowing they would all follow.

“Kurt, what’s going on? Where’s Sam?” Burt asked, concern rising in his voice.

“Dad…” Kurt could feel another wave of tears about to wrack his body.

Blaine could see Kurt’s inability to tell the shocking news they just heard. “Sam’s been cutting himself.”

Will collapsed into the couch behind him and just stared at Blaine waiting for him to continue. Burt hugged his son tighter.

“I saw some cuts yesterday and he wouldn’t talk about it. Then after glee today when we sat him down here and tried to talk to him… he…he finally told us why he hates himself so much.”

Will’s mind was reeling. How could he have not seen any warning signs in Sam? Either Sam was great at hiding, or Will was a horrible teacher. “He knows that no one judges him for having to…well… be a…stripper.” Will didn’t like that Sam had had to do that, but he didn’t know how else to say it.

Blaine put his face in his hands and Kurt spoke through his sobs.

“He… Sam… He was paid for more than stripping…”

Burt looked directly at his son’s eyes. “Kurt? Are you saying?”

Kurt nodded and began to cry harder. “He said he’d had sex with 15 strangers over his last month in Kentucky….some…some of which were men… and Sam’s not gay.”

In all the problems Will ever thought his students would have, he never could have imagined anything like this.

“He ran off after telling us. We have no idea where he went,” Blaine concluded.

Will stood up. He could feel his legs were shaky, but they had to do something. “Do you know of anywhere he could have possibly gone?”

Both boys shook their heads and Will could see they were attempting to dry their eyes and get ready for a search.

“Alright…” Will thought carefully. “Call all the glee kids. Don’t tell them what Sam told you. Just tell them Sam’s missing and we need them to keep an eye out, see if anyone else knows where he would have gone.”

Kurt called Mercedes first, followed by Finn, Rachel, and Quinn. Blaine started calling everyone else as well.

In the end it was Quinn who proved most helpful. She suggested he may have gone towards his old house. After the foreclosure, he used to like to just walk down that street sometimes and sit in the backyard- before it was resold.

Will got into his car and drove to the address Quinn had given them. He broke speed limits, but in all honesty, he didn’t care. If Sam was hurting himself, Will had to get to him as soon as possible.

He reached the house but didn’t see Sam anywhere. He knocked on the door and the confused homeowner answered Will’s seemingly random question about whether or not he had seen a blonde, big mouthed boy. The answer was no.

Will got back into his car and drove around the couple streets near the house. He was just about to give up when he saw a sign for Sunset Park. It was a long shot, but Will had to check. He pulled into the parking lot and turned off his car. It was almost 7 o’ clock, and the park was nearly empty, except for a blonde teenager sitting on the swing set, staring at his feet.

As Will approached Sam, he could hear the quiet murmur of a song, but couldn’t make out what song it was.

“Sam?”

Sam’s head shot up as he stopped singing to himself. He seriously thought of running. If Will was here, that could only mean that he knew everything. Sam closed his eyes and lowered his head again, trying to keep the tears from falling down his face. He hated that he couldn’t just stop his eyes from producing the tears.

“Sam, everything is going to be okay… can I sit with you?”

Sam simply shrugged and let his hair fall in front of his face while Will sat down in the empty swing next to Sam.

“I’m so, so sorry Sam…” Will was completely unsure of what to say. He had been so worried about finding Sam, he hadn’t thought about what would happen when he actually did.

When Sam didn’t say anything, Will continued. “Can you talk to me about what’s going on?”

Sam was so tired. He just wanted to be left alone. He wanted to be left in a corner to die alone and no one could seem to see how worthless he really was. He didn’t lift his head as he spoke.

“Blaine and Kurt probably already told you everything. There’s nothing more to say.”

Will frowned and wished he could just read what was going on in Sam’s mind.

“They mean well, but this is your story to tell and no one will make you say anything until you’re ready.”

Sam scoffed. “They already did. I was perfectly fine. I was dealing with it and Blaine just wouldn’t leave me alone. Now everyone is going to know and honestly I preferred that stupid trouty-mouth nickname over what they’re gonna start calling me. ”

“Sam, no one’s going to know. Only Kurt, Blaine, Burt and I know. No one at school will find out.”

“Seriously Mr. Schue? This is McKinley. This time tomorrow, I’ll be known as the two dollar hooker.”

Will sighed. “Sam, what you did to take care of your family doesn’t define you, and you certainly don’t deserve to be punished for it. You’re still the same Sam that joined the glee club, can sing and dance, do awesome impressions, and always makes everyone laugh.”

Sam let out a sob but tried to collect himself.

“We need to get you some help. You can’t keep hurting yourself, okay Sam?”

Sam shook his head. “Just leave it Mr. Schue. I’ll be fine. I don’t need to talk about it and I don’t need to bring down the New Directions anymore. You guys have nationals to think about and I’ll get back to Kentucky.”

“Stop it Sam. That’s enough. We need you in glee club and you’re sticking around. We’re getting you help because you deserve it. You should have never had to resort to whatever it is that you ended up doing. Everyone in glee is going to be here to help you, but they don’t need to know anything. You’re just a kid…”

Will thought about it as he said it. Sam was just a kid. Will shuttered. The kid was 16, how did everyone overlook that. A 16 year old should not have had to deal with all of this.

“You’re 16 Sam… I’m sorry, but you don’t have a choice. You’re coming with me. Come on.” Will stood up and stared at Sam, waiting for him to stand as well.

Sam slowly rose from his swing but still didn’t look at Mr. Schue. They sat in silence all the way back to the Hudson-Hummel’s. To both Will and Sam’s surprise everyone from glee was waiting in the living room and Sam had to fight every urge to just turn and run right back out the door. He knew it was useless; he wasn’t going to get anywhere.

He didn’t look at anyone as Will led him towards his friends. All of their faces shared a look of relief as they saw Sam was okay. They were only told that he had gone missing. They all showed up because if Will didn’t find him at his old house, they were going to start a search party.

Mercedes was the first to go hug Sam. It was unreciprocated on Sam’s end. He knew Mercedes would not have even come for support if she knew the truth.

Once Mercedes let go of him, Will stood next to Sam and put his arm around the kid’s shoulder.

Rachel, as usual, was the first to speak up. “Sam… Are you okay?”

Sam didn’t say anything as he leaned into Mr. Schue’s side. Will spoke for him.

“Guys. Thanks for being here for Sam. He’s going to need a lot of support from every-”

Sam pulled away from Mr. Schue and interrupted. “Can you just stop already? How many times do I have to ask all of you to leave me alone,” his comment directed at Blaine, Kurt, and Will. “No one should do anything except forget about me okay? I’ve done this to myself.” His voice was almost a shout and everyone looked confused, worried, and frightened. This really was not the kid they knew. He was never this… angry and… scared. He was always thoughtful, happy, and caring. If he had troubles he usually confided in a friend or two and stayed positive. This was something none of them could understand.

“Sam, we’re always going to support you. We don’t care if you were a stripper; it’s actually kind of cool-” Santana began to comment.

Sam felt he couldn’t breathe. He couldn’t do this. He instantly hated all of them and just wanted to scream. So he did.

“I WAS A WHORE OKAY? Are you all happy now? I stripped for money and then sold the rest of myself in the back alleys.” Sam’s breathing was heavy and the tears flowed freely from his eyes. No one spoke as Sam began to back away from the group.

“God, why does it always have to be like this with you guys? No one can ever just let me deal with my own life.”

Sam turned and walked towards the door. Will began to follow him but Sam paused and stared at Schuester. “Don’t follow me. Let me be alone right now.”

Will walked closer and spoke softly so as not to let the others hear. “But if you’re cutting Sam…”

Sam spoke normally, not caring that everyone could hear him. “I’m not going to kill myself okay! Just let me go.”

Sam didn’t wait for a reply as he slammed the door behind him and began to run again. He wished that Puck hadn’t parked behind Sam’s car. All Sam really wanted was to drive as far away as he could, but that now wasn’t an option.

The slam of the door seemed to echo through the room over and over again. No one spoke and Will stared at the door, not knowing how to talk to the group of kids behind him.  After a moment, he finally turned back to his group and watched them. Half of them were in tears. Even Finn and Santana were crying. Puck seemed to be on the edge of an explosion while others stared blankly, not knowing if what just happened was reality or not. Will knew he had to do something quickly. He opened his mouth to speak, but didn’t have anything. With nothing else in mind he just hung his head. “I… I’m sorry guys.”

Finn looked at his friends and couldn’t figure out what they were thinking. “I just…I don’t get it. I mean. Sam’s 16… How could all of this happen to him? Who would let him do that?”

Burt looked at the kids sitting in his living room. Between all of them, they had probably dealt with every life issue a teen could deal with these days. He felt for each one of them and loved them so much for being there for each other time and time again.

“As I’m sure most of you know, a lot of times, life doesn’t make sense.” Several of the kids looked up at Burt as he continued to speak. “The things Sam has done and the situations he’s dealt with, none of us will be able to understand. No matter what he says, he’s going to need support. But right now that support needs to come by no one treating him any differently.”

Will was glad Burt had found somewhere to start and Will led off of Burt’s words. “Sam needs to know that none of us judge him for the choices he had to make. He’s still one of us.”

Puck shook his head, standing up and staring at Mr. Schue. “But why should he even feel bad about this? I have sex all the time and I’ve never hated myself for it. It’s not like anyone forced him to do it.”

Mr. Schue just looked at everyone, trying to see a reaction to Puck’s words.

Blaine was the one to reply. “Puck, his situation forced him into it. You have sex because it’s fun and feels good, he had to remove everything good about sex and do it to feed his family.”

Puck just blinked, taking in the explanation. He was just angry really. He knew what Blaine had said was true; he just never believed a kid like Sam would have to go through this.

Tina broke the new silence that had fallen and spoke through her tears. “Um… Mr. Schue, why were you worried he was going to kill himself?”

Will frowned. He didn’t like that all of Sam’s secrets were coming out like this. The kid had been through enough and shouldn’t have to keep suffering, but he knew these kids needed to know because they all needed to look out for Sam now.

“Sam’s way of dealing with his situation… he’s been cutting himself to cope with all of this.”

No one knew what to say; instead they all sat in silence, each of them alone with their thoughts.

**

Sam had stopped running after about a mile. He had no idea where he was going. He recognized that he was near Lima Heights, but he really hadn’t ever spent time here. He’d only been around here a few times while he was dating Santana. He sighed and found a grocery store that was still open. It was 9 now and he was still on edge. He walked into the store and found their bathroom. Knowing that cutting himself would calm him down, he walked into a stall and sat down on the toilet seat. He quickly grabbed the razor from his wallet and rolled up the sleeve on his hoodie. He didn’t care anymore. His thighs were too scarred up and since he wasn’t stripping and it was colder outside now, he could cover it up. He just needed to release his anger, sadness, and self-disgust. He didn’t care where on his body he’d do it.

As he made his first cut, he was glad he’d chosen his forearm. It offered more relief than his thighs ever had. The blood came instantly out of the first cut and he kept going. He made several swift clean cuts that were deeper than he thought they’d be. The pressure of the smooth metal on his pale skin as it tore into his vein made his body relax. When he could feel his heart return to a normal pace and his shoulders relax, he put his razor in the pocket of his hoodie for a moment so he could clean up his arm. Some of his blood had gotten on his pants, but he took a wad of toilet paper and pressed it to the cuts. He continued to get more toilet paper when the blood kept soaking through what he had already placed there.

After about 10 minutes, the bleeding slowed. Only one cut was still bleeding, but it wasn’t drastic, so he put new toilet paper there and rolled down his sleeve, continuing to apply pressure to it as he walked out of the store.

He figured he could walk back to Finn and Kurt’s house. It had been almost 3 hours since he’d left, all the glee kids should have gone by now.

Forty-Five minutes later, Sam walked into the house cautiously. He wasn’t sure what he was going to be walking into. As he shut the door, he saw what he didn’t expect. Will was sitting with Burt on the living room couch. Neither man was talking. The living room was clear of everyone else but it was messed up enough that anyone could tell that there had recently been a lot of people in the small space. Empty chairs were facing all different directions. Pens and paper were strewn everywhere but there seemed to be a sort of order to where it was all placed. Littering the coffee table were numerous folded papers.

Will looked up as he heard the door close. “Sam,” he breathed out quietly.

Sam walked over and sat in an armchair facing the couch. “I’m… I’m sorry.”

Will watched Sam retreat into himself. “You have nothing to be sorry for. We’ve just been really worried…”

No one said anything. Both men scanned the boy, looking for a sign of being physically hurt. That’s when Burt spotted it, the blood on Sam’s pants and the small spot of blood coming through his sleeve.

“Sam… there’s blood…”

Sam looked away, staring at the bookshelf in the corner of the room.

Will took the lead again. “Sam, we need to see how bad you’re hurt. We may need to get you to a hospital.”

Sam shook his head, but knew he wasn’t going to win. He had had his chance to keep his secrets and deal with his life, he had no choice now but to be compliant with whatever everyone wanted from him.

He rolled up his sleeve but still refused to look at the two adults. Both of them seemed to stop breathing at the sight of his arm. Blood was covering his arm. Most of it was dried but one cut was still fighting to close itself up. There were 15 cuts. No one but Sam understood who those 15 cuts were for.

Will was the first to speak. He knew Sam needed to get to a hospital whether he liked it or not, he needed to be checked out for several reasons. “Sam… Let’s get you to the hospital.” Sam nodded and stood up. Will spoke quietly to Burt but was unaware that Sam heard what he said.

“NO! Please don’t call my parents. Don’t tell them, okay? They can’t know where that money came from. They will never forgive themselves… or me…”

Both Will and Burt were conflicted. They knew the boy had a point, but this was their son and they had a right to know what was going on with him. Burt thought about it as a father himself and then walked over to Sam.

“They need to know what you’re going through. We’re not going to tell them about that, but they need to know you’re in pain. They would want to know. If it were Kurt, I would want to be able to help him through this.”

Sam contemplated what Burt was saying and wrapped his hand around the new cuts on his arm. The other men didn’t realize that he was doing this in order to cause himself more pain and Sam was pleased that they didn’t notice.

“Don’t tell them anything. I’ll do it when I’m ready.” He knew it was a lie and he knew he’d never tell them, but he had to tell Will and Burt something.

The two men accepted this answer and Will drove Sam to the hospital.

After waiting in the ER for a while, Sam and Will were taken into a hospital room. The doctor cleaned up Sam’s arm and looked at the damage.

“Well, three of these are going to need stitches in order for them to heal properly and prevent infection. I’m going to go get everything I need. I’ll be back in a couple minutes.”

Sam nodded and didn’t expect that Will was going to start speaking.

“Sam… While you’re here, I think you should get tested… for STDs.”

The teen sighed. “Yeah… Sure.” He didn’t have it in him to argue anymore.

When the doctor came back, Will explained the need for Sam’s tests, but simply told the doctor Sam had had unprotected sex with his girlfriend and was worried. It was all so weird to Sam and he really didn’t understand how the doctor didn’t question anything or need better explanations. He figured it wasn’t really the doctor’s job. All the doctor had to do was run the tests, not know why they were being asked for, he got paid either way.

The test results for certain STDs would come in at different times, Sam just needed to wait. Will drove Sam back to the Hudson-Hummel house and walked the kid inside.

Burt welcomed them back. The living room had been straightened out and the folded papers from the table were now all unfolded and in a stack in Burt’s hands.

“Sam, I’ve got these letters here… from your friends.”

Sam closed his eyes. He just really wanted everything to be over already.

“They all still love you and they all wrote what they needed to say. You can read them whenever you feel ready.” Burt handed the papers to Sam, hoping he’d take them. When Sam accepted the letter without a word, Burt continued.

“No one is going to talk to you about anything said today unless you bring it up. They just all had so much to say.”

Will could see the exhaustion weighing down Sam’s body. “Sam, why don’t you just get some sleep? You don’t have to come to school tomorrow. I’ll work things out with Figgins.”

Sam nodded and walked to the spare room where he was staying.

When Sam closed the door and was in his room, Will turned to Burt. “All the letters were good right?” He didn’t think anyone would write anything negative, but he had to make sure.

Burt sighed. “Yeah. Everyone is just worried about him. They all tell him that they don’t care about whatever he had to do, he’s still their friend. I was only slightly worried about Quinn’s at the start of it, but it’s actually really a good one.”

Will nodded and patted Burt’s shoulder. “Thanks Burt. Let me know if anything happens tonight.”

“Yeah. I’ll talk to you soon.”

Over in Sam’s room, he sat on the edge of his bed and stared at the letters in his hand. He didn’t know if he was ready to read what everyone had to say. He knew that no matter what they said, he didn’t deserve their love and support. After about 5 minutes, he set the letters on the nightstand and turned off the light. He had all day tomorrow to read them and hate himself. He just needed to sleep now.


	8. Chapter 8

The morning after his entire life was revealed to the people he had tried to hide it all from, he almost forgot for a moment, when he first opened his eyes, how much different his life was going to be now. He was so warm and content in bed and actually felt good for approximately 30 seconds before reality set in and he remembered the events of the last night. It was 11 and he wished his bladder wasn’t forcing him to get out of bed. He never wanted to get up, but he really needed to pee and his stomach was aching for some food. He hadn’t eaten in almost 22 hours.

He slowly opened his door and found a note taped on the wooden frame.

_Sam. Kurt and Finn are at school. You’re excused from everything today. I had to go to work, but I’m just at the tire shop so if you need me, the number is on the fridge. Speaking of which, there is a bunch of food, eat whatever you want and take it easy today._

_Burt_

Sam sighed. He was glad he was alone. He really didn’t want to deal with the awkward small talk that he was bound to start having with everyone over the next couple days. He crumpled the note and tossed it back in the room towards the bed. He stopped in the bathroom before he made it to the kitchen. He just ate some cereal and looked around the kitchen. It was really a nice home that they had. It reminded him of the home he had once had here in Lima.

After eating enough cereal to last him until at least late afternoon he took a quick shower, making sure to be careful of the stitches in his arm. They were so foreign to him; he had never needed stitches before. Once he felt clean enough, he walked back to his room and closed the door. He figured he should read the notes. Everyone would have expected him to have read what they had to say, and he owed it to them. They were his friends and he had hurt them by making them believe he was a decent human being. He sighed, knowing that with his dyslexia it would take him a while to get through them all. He threw on some sweatpants and a hoodie and then sat on the bed with his back against the wall. He took the pile of notes and placed them on the bed next to him, keeping the one at the top of the pile.

            _Sam. I’m so sorry I forced you to open up._  


_Actually, I’m not sorry. You shouldn’t have to keep so much pain bottled up inside of you. You are worth so much more than you give yourself credit for and ever since your family first started struggling and Quinn and I were the only ones to help you, I have admired how strong you really are. You help your family and never ask for any help of your own. I have never and will continue to never judge you for living your own life. I only hope that you can stop hating and punishing yourself for things you had no control over._

_Love, Kurt._

Sam put Kurt’s letter down on the bed on the opposite side of the unread letters. What they didn’t see to get is that Sam did all this to himself. He could have stopped. He never had to say yes to that first job. He could have walked away from Gina and never gotten involved. Then when he had the chance, he could have told Justin he was done. He never had to go with that first guy. He could have said no at any time, but he didn’t. He kept selling himself and no one is to blame but him. Sam pushed his thoughts aside and picked up the next letter.

_I’m going to keep it real here Sam. I am the last person to judge someone for their lives and their choices. I know I’m a bitch to everyone and it may seem like I don’t care, but I do. I know you and you are the nicest guy I’ve ever dated. Don’t hate yourself for what you’ve done. You did whatever you had to do and feeding your family is a better reason for sex than some of the reasons I’ve hooked up with a guy. So I don’t want to see you hurt by yourself or anyone else. So get back here for glee because we need your big mouth to win nationals._

_Love, Santana_

Sam couldn’t keep himself from smiling. He always liked when Santana bitched with care. It was sweet.

_I don’t fully know what you’re going through dude. I’m not going to pretend to be able to have anything helpful to say, but I’m here for you. You are staying at my house and I don’t want you to be hurting yourself while I’m right down the hall hoping you’re okay. Rachel and I came to get you because we need you here. We can’t do this without you and we need your help more than you need anyone else’s help. You can survive anything man, you’ve proven that and I only wish that I can be as strong of a guy as you are someday._

_Finn_

Finn didn’t always know how to say things properly, but Sam understood. He knew Finn didn’t care what Sam had done; he just wants everyone to be happy.

_Sam, none of us care that you got money for having sex. Coming from a guy who has sex all the time, I wish I could get paid for it. Maybe that’s not the right thing to say, but I just don’t think you should feel bad for supporting your family. You’re an awesome guy and one of the few people I’m not constantly annoyed with._

_Puck_

Sam wasn’t sure how he felt about that. He knew that most guys would feel good about getting paid for sex, it seemed like a sweet deal, but knowing that he was good for nothing but his body and the way he looked, made Sam feel worthless. Plus, he was pretty sure Puck wasn’t talking about having sex with men.

            _I know that I’m normally pretty quiet, and that leads people to sometimes think that I don’t want to be friends or I’m not interested in their lives. But it actually lets me observe a lot about people. Sam you are such a genuine person. You say what you believe and then follow through on that. You never hurt people and are always giving of yourself instead of taking. I think that’s why you have been struggling since you got back; because you haven’t been yourself around us. You feared that we would find out your secrets and judge you. But Sam we could never do that. We rely on you to keep us true to ourselves. You don’t ever have to hide from us. We may get caught up in our own lives too much, but that doesn’t mean that we don’t always care about you. If you ever just want someone to listen to you, I’m here for you._  


_Love, Tina_

Sam never knew Tina could tell so much about him. I guess it made sense really. Since she was never waiting for her turn to speak, she was always really listening and finding out the truth behind people.

            _Sam, you and I are the only ones that can really dance. We were friends as soon as you showed up and to be honest, glee was real tough without you. I’m sorry that life has treated you so poorly, but you’re young man. You can survive anything and I don’t doubt that you’re going to be able to get through this and remember how to be the happy guy you used to be. I’m always here for you; even if that just means you just want to dance it out._  


_Mike_

He had never really thought about what glee was like without him. I guess they all had lost a friend and especially Mike and the others who weren’t always getting solos or causing the most drama. He really hoped Mike was right and he would remember how to be happy.

_I don’t know what’s really going on Sam, but we’re all writing letters to you. I know you feel bad for helping your family to stop being poor, but I thought helping people was supposed to make you feel good. So don’t feel bad Sam because you’re pretty cool and I still like that your mouth is the biggest one I’ve ever seen. I tried to find someone with a bigger mouth to replace yours when you left, but no one was good enough._

_Love Brittany_

Sam laughed. He couldn’t help himself. Brittany was always so honest about not understanding things and he kind of envied that. He often got confused about simple things that people would talk to him about but he didn’t like to admit that he didn’t always understand them.

            _Dear Sam,_  


_When Finn and I saw you working in the club I was certainly surprised. I’m sorry if when we talked backstage I made you feel bad about doing what you needed to do. I certainly don’t judge you. I admire that you have been so resilient when your family needed you so much. Performing is performing and you are an excellent dancer. All of us are so glad to have you back in glee club and we can’t win nationals without you, that’s why we came to find you in the first place. You are essential part of our group and we could never treat you badly. We all accept each other for who we are and we just want you to accept yourself and see that you are such a sweet guy. You have never hurt anyone, and to hear that you’re hurting yourself instead, it breaks my heart. Please be okay Sam._

_Love, Rachel Berry_

Sam thought about what Rachel said. She said he never hurt anyone, but here he was, clearly causing all the people he loved most emotional distress.

            _Sam, I’m sorry about the whole Christmas special thing. You’ve always been one of the coolest guys I’ve ever gotten to call a friend. In glee club we all care about each other and accept each other for who we are and what we’ve done. You just need to accept yourself and know that you are worth more than you give yourself credit for._  


_Artie_

Sam sighed. He did feel bad that they all had to deal with this so close to Christmas.

_I don’t know you that well Sam but I can see you have such a good heart. You invited me to come spend family with you this Christmas and you knew how much I needed someone to connect with for the holidays. I’m sorry that life has been difficult for you Sam, you don’t deserve to feel such pain. You’re so caring and I would be so depressed without a family this Christmas; but you took it upon yourself to offer me a place in your family. Never think poorly of yourself. You may not have a lot of money, but you are rich in love and spirit._

_Rory_

Sam was glad that he was becoming friends with Rory. He knew how hard it was to be away from family. And now Rory was actually going to be able to help Sam with his family by keeping the focus off of Sam and how much of a mess he was.

_I can never forgive myself for pushing you to open up to everyone about what you’re going through. I’ve only ever wanted to help you. I saw something was wrong and everyone in glee cares so much that no one would want to see you in so much pain. I don’t ever talk about it, but know what it’s like to hate who you are and I will always be here for you. I went through a lot in the past and didn’t think I was good enough either. You’ve always been so loved and I know that I don’t deserve your forgiveness or friendship, but I certainly hope that someday we can be friends because I think you’re a really great guy Sam and you make all of us better people._

_Blaine_

He liked Blaine, he really did. The guy was talented, smart, funny, and seemed to be a good friend. But Sam just didn’t feel he deserved friends anymore.

_Sam,_

_When you said I had rich-white-girl-problems, I didn’t really understand how right you really were. I was angry at you for not acknowledging what I was going through. I didn’t even think about you and I couldn’t see past my own problems. You have always been so selfless and that’s what I’ve always loved most about you. You always give all of yourself to the people you care about and all of us have overlooked your problems and your pain. I am so very sorry that we’ve failed you as your friends. We should have been there for you and you tried to show us. You spoke out and tried to get us to look past ourselves, but we are not as good as you. You have such talent and love and you need to know how amazing you are. Please never feel like you are anything less than the best person I’ve ever met._

_Love Always, Quinn_

_P.S. if you want someone to help out at the homeless shelter, I would love to go with you._

Sam smiled. He knew Quinn was a good person and he loved that she was going to come with him to feed the homeless at the end of the week before he and Rory left for Kentucky.

_What we had this summer was better than I could have ever imagined. You were the first boy to ever make me special. You made me feel loved and wanted and I will always love you. I know I’m with Shane now, but you have to know I love you. I do like Shane and don’t know when I’ll break it off with him. You are the greatest guy I’ve ever known and the things you’ve done to care for your family can’t make me love you any less. People may not understand it and others may judge you, but none of those people matter. Your friends, the people that love you, none of us can think any less of you._

_I love you always, Mercedes._

Sam was so confused. How could Mercedes still love him but not want to be with him? But then again, he didn’t want to be with himself either. All he wanted was to go back in time and stop himself from getting comfortable in his self-loathing. He wished his self-loathing had never morphed into his self-destruction. Speaking of which, he needed to do right now. He had been crying for the past couple letters as he fought to really feel he deserved their love. His mind was tired from struggling to read and he just didn’t know how to react to anything. He looked at the pile of letters on his bed and sighed. They all really wanted him to stop, but just one more time… He would give it up later. He just needed to get through this one last time. He looked at his arm and sighed before he went to his wallet and looked for the razor. When he couldn’t find it, he almost panicked until he remembered it was in the pocket of his hoodie.

He took it out and went to the bathroom to clean it off. It was covered in blood from last night and he just needed to get this over with. After cleaning it, he went back to his room and shut the door before sitting on the floor. He rolled up his sleeve and really looked at the damage. The cuts were red and puffy and the stitches made everything look more dangerous. There was bruising around the stitches from the shots the doctor had given him there to numb the area as he sewed up Sam’s arm. He stared at his arm and hated how raw and horrific it looked.

After a moment, he looked at the clock. School would be over in 10 minutes and glee rehearsal would be starting up. Making a snap decision, he dropped the razor onto his desk and rolled down his sleeve before putting on his jacket and shoes. He grabbed the keys to his car and decided he had to go to glee.


	9. Chapter 9

Will Schuester didn’t have the heart to sing today. He had asked the pianist and other usual accompaniment not to show up today. He figured there was one of two things that could happen today: no one else would feel like singing, or they would need to sing in order to get their emotions out.

He walked into the choir room and found all his students except Sam sitting in their seats. No one was talking to each other. Everyone was just kind of numb. There was a heaviness in the air that everyone needed to talk about but desperately didn’t want to have to acknowledge.

Will grabbed a chair and sat down in the front of the room, looking at his students, joining in their silence for a moment until Rachel broke the silence.

“Mr. Schuester, I know we all agreed we shouldn’t talk about this without Sam, but it’s obviously still affecting us.”

“You’re right Rachel,” Schuester said as he stood up from his seat. “I know we all got a lot off our chests yesterday about how worried we are about Sam, but how are you all feeling today?”

“I’m just scared…” Tina spoke up. “I feel like he might hurt himself too much one day and no one will be there to find him…” she didn’t need to finish her thought. Everyone knew what she meant. One day Sam could just cut too deep and then they would never see him again.

“We just have to trust that he’ll get help and stop before it gets that far.” Schuester knew that it wasn’t the best answer, but there really was no other way to stop Sam from hurting himself.

Finn stared at the ceiling as he fought against his anger.

“I’ve been so angry at the world all day Mr. Schue. I mean Sam is the most caring and genuine guy we know and he’s in worse pain than we’ve ever felt. Where were his parents? Why didn’t they see what was happening to him?”

“Because I never told them,” Sam said as he walked into the room, closing the door behind him.

He walked to the front of the room and stood next to the piano, not sure where he should go now. Everyone looked at him. No one expected to see him that day, if not for a couple days.

Trying to make things less awkward for Sam, Mr. Schuester spoke first. “We didn’t expect you today Sam, but we’re glad you’re here.”

“Yeah. Um, I guess I just had something to say… if that’s cool?”

“Of course, of course, the floor’s all yours.” Schuester said, taking a seat with the rest of the group.

Sam paused for a moment before walking to the chair that Schuester had left in the front of the room. “I read all your letters today…” He sat down and took a deep breath, looking down and almost telling his story to the floor. “I know that none of you are demanding an explanation, but I feel like I should let you guys know kind of what happened… After moving to Kentucky, we lived in another motel for a while until my dad started his job and we were able to rent a small place… It was okay, but then the bills started coming in and the money my parents were able to bring in wasn’t enough. My job at the Dairy Queen didn’t really help much. So about a month and a half ago, I started stripping. Everyone there thought I was 18. I didn’t really like that I had to do it, but we were finally eating enough. After about 3 weeks of that, I found out about the bill collectors that were still after all the debt my family was in. They had started taking the money straight from my dad’s paycheck, so he never even got the chance to use it where we needed it.”

Everyone was listening intently. Tina had started crying, but she cried about a lot of things, so Sam wasn’t really thrown off. Sam ran his hand through his hair and continued.

“A guy at work had mentioned once about the extra work he did at the motel after working at the club. I asked him about it, and before I knew what I was doing, I was being paid for sex. That was the night I first cut myself... I don’t know how I got the idea in my head. It just kind of was there, I can’t explain it… After that, I didn’t want to do it again, but when I talked to Justin again, he told me the only other way to get a lot of money was to sell drugs at the high school.”

Some of the kids’ eyes widened as he mentioned the prospect of selling drugs.

“I kind of felt like I had no other choice. The TV at home was busted, by brother was growing out of his clothes so quickly and we were fighting to keep the electricity on. So I earned $500 the second night for going with a guy.”

Sam started crying. He really didn’t know why he felt the need to tell all of the glee club about this. He just felt like he had lied to them and he needed someone to know what he had done. He needed people to tell him he wasn’t a horrible person, after they knew the whole truth.

“I figured it couldn’t get any worse than it was after that. I mean, I had already started, so I couldn’t hate myself more than I already did. I lied to my parents the rest of the month, telling them I worked at the Dairy Queen in all of my free time and that they had given me a promotion. I never told them, because I knew I needed to do whatever I had to do to keep everyone going. They were trying so hard and working all the time, but it was never enough. The 15 people I was with, paid me for doing the only thing I was worth. I only got through it because by hurting myself, I could control how much pain I was in. It made me numb to the things I was doing and the disgust I had for myself.”

Everyone was silent as he finished speaking. He didn’t really have any more to say. Now they knew the whole story instead of just a shouted confession. He finally looked up at his friends and saw that a lot of them were crying now. They could see the sorrow radiating from his body and the emptiness that hollowed out his usual lively eyes.

“Sam…” Tina asked softly, “Can we hug you?”

Sam nodded slowly and tried to dry his eyes to no avail. He stood up as the rest of the glee club came in for a group hug. He continued to cry but added a soft laugh as he finally felt like they really didn’t hate him for what he had done. They were truly accepting and he was so glad that he had put down his razor and chosen glee instead.


	10. Chapter 10

Christmas was a wonderful time for Sam. He had missed his family so much and had forgotten how much he loved the simple things that he did with them. He and Rory arrived a couple of days before Christmas and the Evans spent all their time making sure Rory got the full American Christmas experience. They bought a tree and decorated it, sang Christmas carols, watched Christmas specials, and wrapped presents. Stevie and Stacy loved Rory’s accent. He fit right in and even though there weren’t a lot of presents under the tree, Rory was right, Sam- and his entire family- was rich with love and spirit. They rang in the New Year together and Stevie and Stacy were so excited to get to stay up so late with the rest of the family. They all played board games and Sam played guitar, singing with the family. On Thursday, three days into the New Year, Rory sat down with Sam while the rest of the family was at the store.

“Sam, I gotta talk to you about something.”

“What’s up Rory?” He asked sitting on the couch next to the Irishman.

“You need to talk to your parents about what you’ve been hiding from them before we leave Sunday morning.”

“Oh. Yeah, no I did that.” Sam tried to play it off. He never planned on telling his parents, he had been able to hide his arm fairly well. He hadn’t even shown anyone in glee. Telling them about it was one thing, but to see the damage he’d done to his arm, and actually was still doing, was a whole different story.

“No, ya haven’t Sam. I’ve been around this entire time, and you really need to talk to them.”

Sam stared at the floor for a while. “I… I just can’t Rory.”

“You don’t need to do it all at once Sam. But they will be more hurt if you keep this a secret from them. They’re your parents; they’re here to help you.”

“I know… but they’ll _hate_ themselves… for _my_ choices…” Sam wanted to cry. He hated that Rory was there in that moment because he wanted to cut so badly.

“I don’t know what to say Sam. I am taking your brother and sister to a movie tomorrow, and you need to tell them.”

Sam closed his eyes and took a deep breath. “I’ll try.”

“I’m going to go call my family.”

Sam nodded and watched Rory step outside. As soon as Rory was gone, Sam walked into the bathroom.

He hadn’t been cutting as often as he was when he was stripping, but he hadn’t been able to stop. He thought it would be easy. He thought he could just give it up, but every time he was stressed or hating himself, his brain just told him to do it. His skin would feel heavy and his heart would race. He could feel the blood rushing in his veins and he knew he needed to get it out of his body.

He rolled up his sleeve and ran his fingers over the cuts and scars. He had taken out the stitches after the 7 days the doctor said they had to be kept in. He was more careful now. He didn’t want to get stitches again. He made 7 cuts until his tears finally subsided. He cleaned the cuts he made and wrapped his arm in a bandage he brought with him. He finally rolled down his sleeve and splashed water on his face; he didn’t want his family to see him in such a mess.

****

Rory had stepped outside with his cell phone. He dialed Mr. Schuester’s number and waited for an answer.

“Rory? Hey, what’s up? Everything alright?”

“Hi Mr. Schuester. Yeah, things are good… I know you told me to make sure Sam talked to his parents… but I don’t know if he will.”

Will sighed. He had asked Rory to just make sure Sam was okay over break and just watch to see if he talked to his parents or not.

“I’m sorry I put this on you. I’ll call them today and tell them Sam needs to talk with them.”

“I think that’s the only way. See you next week Mr. Schue.”

Rory then did call his family. He loved the Evans, but he still missed his family.

************

The next afternoon, Rory, as promised, took the kids to a movie. Sam had tried to say he’d go too, but his parents told him they wanted to spend some time with him. Sam didn’t expect anything out of the ordinary.

After the others had left, Sam’s parents sat on the couch and put their son in the middle of them.

“So how are you guys doing lately?” Sam asked cheerily. He was slightly nervous, his parents normally didn’t sit him down like this.

“We’re fine Sam. We need to ask how you are, really and truly.” His mother looked like she was going to cry but he couldn’t tell why.

“Where’s this coming from? Things are fine.”

“Sam, your teacher called…”

Sam was mentally starting to freak out a little. What would Mr. Schue have told them? He promised…

“He said you were having a hard time and you needed to tell us some things that you had been keeping from us… when you were here-” His father continued.

“Is it drugs Sam? Is that really where the money was coming from?” His mother burst out. She was crying and praying that her son would be okay.

Sam felt a lump in his throat. He didn’t want to be here. Why was this happening? “No, mom dad, it’s not drugs. I just. There’s nothing I need to share. It’s not important.”

“Sam. We know something had been going on. I knew it back then. You were barely eating, always coming home late, you lost the sparkle in your eyes and I am so sorry we didn’t ask you then…”

Sam was crying. He wished he had prepared a lie for them. He hated that he was breaking down so quickly. He used to be so good at covering the truth. “You can’t know. You’ll hate me.”

“Oh Sam, we could never hate you. What you’ve done for us is more than any kid should have to do. Just tell us what’s been going on. What is so big that you can’t tell us? Just take your time, but you don’t have to keep things inside.”

Sam was quiet. He stared at his arm. He had a decision to make, telling them where the money came from, or telling them about the cutting. His arm was still a mess from yesterday. He couldn’t do that. He couldn’t give that up. He would need it now more than ever because if he told his parents anything he’d need to cut. He hated the silence that was between them all.

“Um. I uh, never got a promotion at Dairy Queen…I actually stopped working there.” Sam closed his eyes and exhaled.

“I… I started working at the club… that one down the road…”

Sam’s mother took a sharp breath. “Not the… strip club…”

Sam nodded slowly. “I’m so… sorry.” His voice cracked and he began to sob.

“Is… is there more Sam?” His father asked. His dad had no idea of how much worse things could be, but Mr. Schuester had told him that Sam might not tell them everything at once. They had to be patient and ask for the rest of the story. Sam’s mother had kept crying and just grabbed his hand.

Sam swallowed and wanted to shake his head. He wanted to just say that was it, but he couldn’t. It was just all coming out now. “After…dancing…I would um…” He didn’t know how to explain it. He wanted to die rather than admit what he had done.

“People would pay me…at the motel… to have- to have sex.” Sam put his head between his knees and sobbed.

His parents stared at each other and his father began to cry. He then leaned down and hugged Sam’s back as all three of them cried.

“Baby…” his mother choked out. “I am so… sorry”

Sam sat up and leaned into his father’s hug. He was shaking as his sobs coursed through his body. His mother joined in the hug and no one spoke as the small family just cried together.

About 15 minutes later, the crying seemed to subside for a bit and Sam’s father released Sam from his hug. He hated what he’d done to his son. This was his fault for not being able to properly provide for his family. He looked into Sam’s eyes and gave a sad smile.

“Sam, I… am so…sorry.” His voice cracked. “You should have never had to do that. Please forgive us for relying on you so much…”

Sam looked at his father with slight confusion. “Dad, I… I don’t blame you guys… I got myself into this and I lied to you the entire time. It’s not your fault-”

Sam’s mother interrupted. She was trying not to cry again, but all she could see was that her baby boy had been used by complete strangers. “But it is our fault. We knew you were working too hard. We let you work with all your free time and then took that money from you anyway. You deserved so much better. I… I knew something was wrong. I just didn’t… you never seemed to want me to ask…”

“Just please don’t blame yourselves. I just wanted to help the family. I made my choices, and they were stupid, but they’re my problem.”

Sam’s father stood up and slowly paced the room.

“When you get back to McKinley, I want you to start seeing a therapist,” he said, not looking directly at Sam. “They have counselors at that school right?”

“Uh, yeah… yeah they do, but I don’t really-”

“No, you’re father’s right… Sammy, you need to talk about everything and get it out. I’m sure you don’t want to tell us everything.”

“Yeah, sure… I guess I’ll see someone.” Sam was reluctant. He’d think about it. Unless they called the school they’d have no way to know if he went through with it anyway.


	11. Chapter 11

Sam went to school on Monday feeling slightly better about his life. He had spent the rest of his time at home playing with his brother and sister. His parents had gone back to work and Sam was actually grateful for that. Whenever they were around they seemed to look at his with sadness in their eyes and he felt like he had disappointed them. He had taken to cutting his arm in the bathroom after he’d put Stacy and Stevie to bed and Rory was making his nightly call home.

But now that Sam was back at school they could all just focus on getting ready for Regionals. The only problem Sam had was that he really wanted Mercedes back. Every time he saw her, he remembered her note and how much she said she loved him. He wished she would want to be with him, but he knew that no matter how much she loved him, she probably couldn’t get over how sickened she was by what he’d done. He knew everyone in glee didn’t judge him for his recent past, but it was different when it came to actually being romantically involved and Sam couldn’t blame her.

Sam did his best though. During Michael week he decided to sing with Mercedes. They never got to sing a duet together and he really thought that singing with her would at least make him happy and get to spend some more time with her. When they finished singing and finally kissed, he felt so much more alive than he had in months. He knew he needed her back if he was going to actually start to feel better. Mercedes had the idea the next week to go and talk to Ms. Pillsbury. When Ms. Pillsbury told them to try not speaking for a week, Sam wasn’t excited. He knew he needed to give Mercedes time to make up her mind, but he needed her so badly.

He waited for that week and it was nerve wracking. He spent his week learning some Spanish so he could sing for this week’s assignment in glee and only cutting to help him fall asleep at night. It wasn’t that he was really sad; he was still reeling in the possibility that Mercedes would want him back. But at night his mind would race. He would remember all the things he had done for money or remember a stupid joke he’d made that no one got and he couldn’t stop hating himself. When he cut, his mind could focus on the pain and finally calm down enough to drift to sleep.

But when Mercedes didn’t choose him at the end of their week apart, when she walked away with Shane, Sam couldn’t feel anything. The numbness the spread throughout his body was making him sick. He was glad it was his lunch period. He was supposed to have lunch with Rory, but he couldn’t do it. He texted Rory and told him he had to meet with a counselor, but instead drove off campus. He knew it was an excuse he could use. Rory knew that Sam’s parents wanted him to see a therapist, but Sam hadn’t actually gone yet. He didn’t really want to talk about his feelings. Now that everything was out in the open he just wanted to leave it all behind. He also didn’t want to have to talk about how often he was cutting. He just wanted to be left alone.

He got into his car and drove. He didn’t know where he was going, but he ended up parked at the far end of the parking lot of the community center where he used to take Stacy and Stevie for their after school art classes. He turned off his car and stared out the windshield. The parking lot was pretty full to the front with some other cars scattered in parking spots, but he was the only one in the back.

His car was warm and he let the radio play softly as he tried to figure out if he could feel anything yet. He knew he never stood a chance with Mercedes again. He leaned his head against the door’s window and closed his eyes. He couldn’t understand why he just couldn’t be happy. He had so many reasons to feel better about his life. He had the support of the Glee club and his parents, he wasn’t stripping anymore, and he certainly wasn’t selling himself at motels. He had no reason to be sad as far as he was concerned.

He pulled out his razor from his wallet and stared at it. He didn’t know what people would think if they knew he was still doing this. They’d probably be sick of it already. Everyone had their own problems; Sam couldn’t expect them to still tolerate him being so wrapped up in his stupid self-hatred.

His entire forearm was covered in cuts that were all in varying degrees of healing. He hadn’t needed stitches again for any of the cuts he’d made since the night his world was turned upside down. A couple of the more recent ones maybe should have gotten stitches, but he refused to do that again. Those ones were just healing slowly and leaving weird scars.

He found space on his arm and placed the blade against his skin. He slowly dragged the silver metal across his wrist. The sharp sting that ripped through his nerves made him feel alive again. He watched the blood stream down his arm and he was careful as he pulled an old t-shirt from the back seat to soak up the blood and keep it from getting on his jeans. After placing the shirt underneath his arm, he made several more cuts, each one getting deeper than the one before it. Finally, all he could feel was the pain shooting through his arm. He put the blade on the passenger seat and leaned his head against his head rest, letting the blood run down his arm.

***********

“Has anyone seen Sam?” Will Schuester asked everyone in glee that afternoon. It was 3 o’clock and they had a lot of preparing to do for Regionals.

Everyone looked around at each other and no one said anything.

Finally, Rory spoke up. “We were supposed to meet for lunch but he canceled.”

Mercedes felt horrible. “I saw him right before I left for lunch. I think he might have been upset…”

“I’ll just call him. I’m sure he’s fine.” Kurt said as he pulled out his phone.

After it went to voicemail, Kurt frowned slightly. “There’s no answer…”

Rachel looked around. “I’m sure he’s fine. We really have to practice-”

“I’m going to keep calling.” Kurt was really worried. Sam lived with him and as much as the family gave Sam his space, Kurt knew Sam wasn’t as fine as a normal teenager should be.

“Me too,” Mercedes grabbed her phone and dialed Sam’s number. When she got his voicemail as well, she knew it wasn’t normal.

After everyone joined in and began to call Sam’s phone a couple times, Kurt shot up out of his seat. “Sam?”

*****

Sam woke up and could feel nothing but his head pounding and the fierce throbbing in his arm. The pain was unbearable. He could vaguely hear his phone ringing. He just wanted it to be quiet, but as soon as his ringtone ended, it would start up again. With a groan, he reached into pocket and hit the ignore button. Before he could set the phone down, it began to ring again. He figured he should answer it.

“Hullo…” Sam answered quietly.

“Sam?” Kurt said quickly. “Sam, it’s Kurt, you’re late for glee. Where are you?”

“Hmm… yeah, okay Kurt.” Sam didn’t even know what was happening he was too tired to care.

Kurt was confused. Sam did not sound okay. “No, Sam. I asked where you are…”

Everyone in the choir room stared at Kurt. He was getting worked up and worried and everyone seemed to stop breathing.

“Just my car…” Sam said softly with an exhale.

“Where’s that Sam? Where is your car?” Kurt was almost shouting.

“mmm? Art class… Stace and Steve, gotta pick them up.”

Kurt panicked. He looked at the glee club and covered the mouthpiece of his phone. “He… He says he’s picking up his brother and sister from art class. He’s… quiet and doesn’t know what I’m saying.”

He moved his hand and started speaking to Sam again. “Sam?”

“G’night Kurt. See you in glee.” Sam hung up his phone and pressed the silence button as he closed his eyes again.

Kurt stood in the middle of the choir room yelling into his phone. “Sam… Sam!”

He looked at his phone and saw the call was over. He slowly looked at everyone. “I… I don’t think he’s okay.”

Quinn’s mind went into overdrive. She recognized something Kurt said. “Wait, he mentioned art class? Specifically?”

Kurt nodded and everyone looked to Quinn.

“He’s at the community center. His brother and sister used to take art classes there.”

Will looked at his kids. “Alright. Kurt, Quinn, let’s go. I’ll drive.”

“Mr. Schue, can I come too?” Mercedes asked.

“Yeah, whatever, come on. Everyone else can go. We’ll call you when we know what’s going on.”

Will led Mercedes, Kurt, and Quinn to his car and drove quickly to the community center. They were silent in the car, all thinking the worst. As they reached the parking lot, Kurt was the one who spotted Sam’s car. Will parked a spot away from Sam and shut off the car. Everyone nearly jumped out of the car but Kurt was the first to Sam’s window and he wasn’t prepared for the sight he was confronted with. He covered his mouth with his hand and backed away slowly, allowing the others to get to the window.

Mercedes and Quinn began to cry as Will opened the driver’s side door. Sam’s left arm was lying on his leg with a t-shirt underneath his arm. The shirt and his arm were covered in freshly dried blood. His arm was littered with carefully placed cuts, more than Will could have imagined. He remembered seeing the first 15 all those weeks ago, but there were so many now, Will couldn’t even count them. He looked at Sam’s face, hoping to see any signs of life. Sam’s face was paler than Will ever thought a human’s skin could be.

“Sam? Sam! Wake up buddy…” Will began to shake Sam after feeling a faint pulse.

“Kurt, call an ambulance… Now!”

Kurt called 911 as Sam began to wake up again.

“Schue? Is it time for glee?”

“Oh Sam… What have you done…”

***********

Three hours later, the glee club was sitting in the hospital, crying, praying, and waiting.

Tina finally broke the silence. “I told you this would happen. Why didn’t we stop him?”

“Because we didn’t know he was still doing it.” Rory said quietly.

Kurt leaned into Blaine’s shoulder. “We all thought he was doing better…”

No one spoke again as Mr. Schuester walked over towards them.

“Guys, have his parents arrived yet?”

Quinn shook her head and everyone waited for Will to tell them what was happening.

“Sam’s going to be okay…”

Everyone breathed a sigh of relief.

“He didn’t go deep enough… but he lost a lot of blood… They said it was a good sign that he had been waking up. He’s resting right now, but as soon as he’s awake, I’ll let you guys know.”

Will waited a second, making sure that everyone was stable before he walked back to Sam’s room. He sat quietly in Sam’s hospital room, hoping that Sam’s parents would show up soon. He had called them 3 hours ago but the drive from Kentucky was 4 hours at least. Will hated seeing Sam this broken. He knew the kid was still having trouble, but he didn’t know that he was still destroying himself like this. Fifteen minutes of sitting in silence, and Sam began to stir awake for the first time since they found him in his car. He looked around and became confused. He started to panic as he couldn’t understand where he was. Will saw the panic settle into Sam’s eyes and he stood up quickly.

“Sam? Sam… it’s okay. You’re in the hospital. Do you remember anything?” Will said, moving closer to Sam’s bed.

“Mr. Schuester? Why are you here? Why am I here?” Sam seemed to settle down. He wasn’t panicking anymore, but he was still disoriented.

Will sat down and pressed the ‘call nurse’ button. “You tried to kill yourself Sam. We found you in your car-”

“No I didn’t.” Sam couldn’t understand. He would never try to kill himself. “What are you talking about? I wouldn’t do that.”

Will was confused but Sam’s face looked genuine. “Sam… What do you remember?”

Sam frowned and tried to think. His arm was in a lot of pain and he looked down. It was completely wrapped in a bandage and he felt tears hit his cheeks. “I-”

The nurse entered and Sam stopped speaking. He was actually kind of grateful. He didn’t know what to say.

“Oh Sam! You’re awake. That’s wonderful.” The nurse said as she approached his bed. “I’m Nurse Nina. Can we check your vitals?”

Sam nodded and closed his eyes. He was silent as the nurse did her tests, only speaking to answer her basic questions about how he was doing. After she left, Will was quiet for a moment. “Sam…everyone is in the waiting room. I will let them in if you want, but your parents should be here in about an hour-”

“Wait, wait- you called my parents? Why would you do that? I told you I didn’t try to kill myself.” Sam was beginning to panic again.

“Sam- it doesn’t matter if you meant to do it or not. You could have died! Of course I called your parents... Did they know you’re still cutting?”

Sam paused. He knew Will had thought that Sam told his parents everything. “Um… I never actually… told… them,” his voice gradually getting quieter.

Will was shocked, but he figured it made sense. “I thought you’d talked to them. I called them over break-”

“Yeah. And I told them about the work I had been doing… Mr. Schue, I couldn’t tell them this. I couldn’t stop this.” Sam began to cry again. “I tried. I wanted to stop, but I needed it. It helped me and I couldn’t tell anyone that.”

Will stared at Sam. He couldn’t believe this was all happening. He thought the worst was over for this kid, but the hits kept coming and Will didn’t know how to make it better.

“Sam, what do you remember? What were you doing in your car at the community center?” Will leaned forward in his chair and waiting for Sam’s answer.

“Um… Well Mercedes didn’t want me- but it wasn’t her.” He had to clarify himself. This wasn’t over a girl. “I just hated myself. I don’t know why I can’t just be happy like everyone else Mr. Schue, I tried. I did… But um, I was upset, so I drove off campus and just parked somewhere. I… I cut myself, ‘cause that’s what helps. It makes me feel alive. I was gonna be back in time for class. I’m sorry…”

Will sat quietly for a moment, trying to think of what to say. “It’s alright Sam… I’m sorry. I didn’t see you were still struggling with this. Did… did you want to see the others?”

Sam wasn’t sure. He knew they would be sad and disappointed. He didn’t know what to say to them. “Um. I guess. But um, I, I just don’t want to tell them…”

“Don’t worry, I’ll talk to them.” Will stood up and patted the end of Sam’s bed before walking out to the waiting room. As he opened the door, a nurse walked in to take his place. Will nodded to her, thankful that the hospital placed Sam on suicide watch. He didn’t care what Sam said, the kid needed someone around him now. He walked slowly, trying to think of what to say to Sam’s closest friends.

All the glee kids stood up as they watched Will enter the waiting room. They could see the tears in his eyes and could only imagine Sam took a turn for the worse.

Will reached them and gave a sad smile. “He’s awake now.”

He could hear the group let out a big sigh.

“Can… will he see us?” Blaine asked.

Will wrung his hands and sighed. “Yeah. Yeah, you can all see him…but we have to talk first.”

He moved closer to the group and continued. “He doesn’t want to talk about what he did… He said he wasn’t trying to…trying to kill himself. He said it was an accident.”

Puck was angry. He was really only knew how to deal with anger. “It was a stupid accident. What the fuck was he thinking?!”

Will responded quickly. “Puck you’re not going in there with that attitude. Sam is on suicide watch and no one is going in there unless they are supportive and willing to give Sam time.”

Quinn squeezed Puck’s shoulder and tried to relax him.

“I’m fine… I’ll be fine.” Puck rolled his shoulders back, not really wanting to be touched.

Everyone just walked quietly as Will led them to Sam’s room.

Sam was nervous as the glee club entered his hospital room. He knew this was bad and he knew he had hurt them. He had no idea what to say to them. He could see the pain and sorrow in their eyes as they looked at his condition.

Many in the group tried to smile when they saw him, but it was difficult. The bright lights illuminated his once tanned skin to the pale white it had become. The machines beeped quietly as the IV dripped fluids into his body.

“How… how are you doing Sam?” Blaine asked once everyone had settled into the room.

“Just tired is all. How was glee today?”

“Um. We didn’t have it today Sam.” Quinn said quietly.

Sam let his head fall and he fiddled with the end of his hospital blanket. “Oh…”

“Yeah, okay. I can’t do this Mr. Schue.” Santana could feel the anger and fear rising up in her. She didn’t know what to do when things were like this. “I can’t watch him sit there and pretend things are normal.”

Mr. Schuester walked over towards her. “Santana, calm down.”

“No. We were supportive of him, but he almost died. What are we supposed to do-”

“I’m sorry…” It was barely a whisper, but everyone heard Sam speak.

“I was selfish and I didn’t mean for all of this to happen. You have every right to be mad at me-”

“No, Sam, stop… it’s not your fault.” Tina began to cry as she leaned into Mike’s side and wrapped her arm around his waist.

“We were so wrapped up in everything; we didn’t see that you still were struggling.” Kurt spoke, finishing Tina’s thought.

“Well this isn’t you guy’s fault either. It was an accident.” Sam said trying to explain himself.

Will sighed. He saw it was a mistake to bring them all together like this. It was too soon. “This is no one’s fault… Look. Why don’t we all just take time to cool off and we’ll have a glee club meeting later when Sam is better, okay?”

No one said anything, but there were several nods.

“Alright. Sam, you need to sleep. I’m going to stay with you until your parents show up.”

Everyone in the group said quiet goodbyes and soon Sam was left alone with Mr. Schue and the medical equipment monitoring his life signs.

An hour later, Sam woke up to the sound of his parents crying. He opened his eyes and slowly glanced at his parents. If he thought their last confrontation was difficult, he knew he’d hate the one he had to have now.

“Sam? Baby… you’re okay?” His mother asked through her tears.

Sam nodded.

“What happened Sam?” His father asked as he rubbed small circles into his wife’s back. “This time, you need to tell us everything.”

Sam continued to nod and ran his hand through his hair. There were a couple minutes of silence until he could find his voice.

“Um. Well, when I started… working…at the club…and motel… Um I don’t know, I started hating myself and cutting helped. I started doing it every day to make me feel okay with everything…it was something I could control.”

Sam’s father placed his face in his hands, leaning his elbows on his knees. “Okay… Well what happened today?”

“An accident. I didn’t mean to go that deep, but um, I just needed to hurt myself. It made me feel something again. I’m sorry…”

No one spoke for a while until his mother finally asked. “You never did go see a therapist, did you?”

Sam shook his head and his father let out a sigh.

“Here’s what’s going to happen Sam. Either you stay here and see a therapist, or you come home and work on yourself with us.”

“I can’t go back there. I can’t leave the glee club…” Sam was getting nervous. He didn’t want to be anywhere near the past he’d created in Kentucky.

“Okay Sam, just calm down. It’s fine. You just need to start seeing someone and no more secrets. Understand?”

“Yeah… sorry.” Sam said softly. “Where’s Stevie and Stacy?”

“They’re outside with Quinn. We didn’t want them to see you until we talked to you.”

“What…what are we going to tell them?”

“We don’t need to tell them anything. They just know that you’re hurt.” His mother replied.

His father got up and opened the door, saying something Sam couldn’t hear. But a moment later, Sam’s brother and sister ran into the room.

“Sam!” Stacy said, climbing onto Sam’s bed.

“Hey guys! Long time, no see.”

Sam brought his arm up to his chest so that Stevie could climb onto the bed too. He gave them both a hug and smiled. His parents walked outside the room to speak with doctors and Quinn walked in and sat in the chair near his bed, just watching him with his siblings. Everyone else had gone home, but Quinn was close with Sam’s family since they started struggling and everyone forgave and forgot the cheating incident.

Outside the room, Sam’s parents hugged each other and cried. They hated that their beautiful, perfect son was in so much pain, but they were so happy that he was alive. After several minutes, they did speak with a doctor. They worked it out that Sam would stay in the hospital for at least a week, making sure his mental state was completely evaluated and he received the blood transfusions he needed.

After his parents returned, Quinn said goodnight and left the Evans family to recover. Sam spent the rest of his evening hanging out with his family and remembering just how much he loved and missed them. He was glad he was alive.


	12. Chapter 12

He was out of school for a week. He had needed 2 blood transfusions and he had to speak with a therapist, psychiatrist, and surprisingly, a nutritionist. He also finally received the results from all the STD tests that Mr. Schue suggested he have done months ago. He was relieved to find out that he was healthy despite his bad decisions and stupid mistakes.

His family had to go back to Kentucky, but Finn’s mom Carole was there for Sam. The week was all kind of a blur for Sam. He really wanted to cut, but he couldn’t now. He had to get better. Everyone just kept talking about how he needs to help himself. Sam felt so stupid, he didn’t quite understand what they meant, and he hated feeling stupid. He finally opened up to his hospital therapist on his last day there.

“How is your arm healing Sam?”

“Okay I guess. It still hurts… and it itches like hell, but the doctor says it’s fine.” Sam shrugged.

“And have you still felt like cutting anytime this week?”

Sam was quiet for a moment before he nodded slowly. “I just want it… sometimes.”

The therapist nodded and looked at the broken boy in her office. “It’s okay Sam. You told me a couple days ago that you had tried to stop before. It makes since. Self-harm is an addiction and it might not make sense to you why you want it and don’t want it all at the same time.”

Sam shrugged again and wasn’t sure what to say. He didn’t know how he felt about having an addiction.

“Sam, can you tell me what goes through your head when you hurt yourself?”

Sam thought quietly for a moment. “I usually just feel… stupid… and realize how much I hate all the things I’ve done and how worthless I am.”

“Why stupid, Sam?”

“I, my dyslexia has always made school hard, but um, sometimes I just don’t really know what people mean when they talk to me. Like simple stuff, like I should understand what they mean, but I just get confused.”

The rest of the hour with the therapist was spent talking about all the things he hated about himself. In the end, when Sam said everything at once, he was really surprised that he hadn’t actually tried to kill himself.

He always thought he was fine except for the whole being-a-hooker thing. But the more he talked about himself, he knew there was so much more wrong with him. He always felt fat, his lips were insanely huge, he was stupid, dorky, did stupid impressions, and he hurt and lied to everyone around him.

He went back to his hospital room and sat down in his bed. He had about an hour before all his doctors were meeting with him at once. He stared at the floor and was glad that he was off suicide watch. He didn’t like that he hadn’t been allowed to be alone at all for 72 hours. It was annoying and Sam couldn’t stand having random nurses just sitting around wasting their time because he’d made stupid decisions.

He looked at his arm and slowly began to unwrap the bandage covering his cuts and scars. He just needed to look at his scars. If he couldn’t cut he at least needed to feel the scars that told him he could still feel things.

The bruising and swelling was worse than the last time he’d gotten stitches. The cuts were red and puffy and even the scars that were older looked vicious next to the new cuts. He leaned back in his bed and picked up his cell phone. He figured he should call his parents and see how things were. They let him stay in Lima, adding the condition that he calls them at least every other day.

He hung up with his family forty-five minutes later as his doctors walked in. They all sat with Sam and worked out a safety plan. His doctor, therapist, nutritionist, and Carole talked with him about what was going to be happening for Sam now. He had a chain of people to call when he felt like hurting himself, he had weekly appointments with a therapist, and he had to eat something at every meal. They said his Body Dysmorphic Disorder was bordering dangerously close to being an eating disorder. That one scared him the most. He honestly couldn’t see the point in all of this. He wasn’t sure why he was getting better at all. His problems didn’t matter. But he agreed because it seemed to make everyone happy.

*******

He got out of the hospital and was taken back to the Hudson-Hummel’s. He was quiet as he entered the home. Kurt and Finn nearly jumped off the couch as Sam entered.

“Sam! Welcome back man,” Finn said approaching Sam slowly.

“Uh, thanks Finn.”

“Sam, why don’t you get some rest before dinner?” Carole said placing her hands on Sam’s shoulders. “The rest of the glee kids are coming after dinner if that’s okay with you.”

“Yeah that’s fine….”

Kurt’s smile faded. “Sam? What’s wrong?”

Sam shook his head. “Nothing. I’m just kind of nervous I guess.”

“Don’t be. Everything is fine.” Carole reassured.

**  
After Sam poked at his dinner, and took a couple bites, Carole gave in and didn’t force him to eat. She figured he’d at least eaten a bit of food. He went back to his room. He needed to change the bandage on his arm and he wanted to put on a hoodie before everyone showed up. He was tired. It was Saturday night and he knew this glee club meeting was important. He needed to apologize to everyone and quietly answer their questions now otherwise practices would be horrible.

He’d just taken off his long sleeve t-shirt and unwrapped his arm when he heard a knock as Finn opened the door. Sam looked up quickly and brought his arm to his chest, but he wasn’t quick enough.

“Holy hell Sam.” Finn said loudly. He hadn’t seen the damage on Sam’s arm and it actually scared him.

Carole, Puck, Quinn, Kurt, and Blaine all ran over to Finn at Sam’s door. Puck, Quinn, and Blaine were the only ones who had arrived yet and when everyone heard the fear in Finn’s voice, they of course imagined the worst- again.

Sam stood in his room speechless.

“What’s wrong Finn?” Puck asked.

“Just… Sorry. I hadn’t seen his arm…”

“No… no one has.” Sam said holding his arm closer to his abs. He had thought about this in the hospital a couple times. He figured his friends would eventually ask to see the scars. And even if they didn’t, they would secretly be wondering, staring at his arm, waiting for his sleeves to ride up so they could see how dangerous and stupid he actually was.

Kurt and Quinn turned away. They of course, had seen it. They had seen more than they ever thought they would have had to. Sam forgot about that. He had been told who found him. He was told everything that happened from Mr. Schue’s end. The doctor’s thought it was important that Mr. Schue tell Sam what happened since Sam doesn’t even remember the phone call he had with Kurt, let alone when they found him in the car. So Mr. Schue had gone in while Sam was still in the hospital and talked with him about the scene he, Kurt, Mercedes, and Quinn had had.

Sam sighed. “I’m just going to put a shirt on. If everyone has to see my arm later, fine, but just leave it right now.”

Finn nodded and lost himself in his own thoughts. He had never thought that Sam’s arm would be that messed up. He couldn’t even imagine being so upset that someone would do that to themselves. He walked back to the living room, not paying attention to who followed him into the room. He sat down and just waited for everyone else to show up.

Slowly, everyone started to arrive; taking some of the same seating they had the last time they were all gathered in that living room.

Sam was quiet as people came in and started making small talk with each other, and saying hi to Sam, asking how he was. He’d smile and say he’s fine, just tired.

Finally everyone, including Mr. Schue had settled into the living room. No one knew what to say for a while until Sam grew sick of the silence.

“Can you guys just say anything or ask me whatever? I really don’t know what to tell you all…”

Will’s eyes were sympathetic and he knew this must be insanely awkward for Sam. He knew what they were all thinking. They asked him all week at the start of every rehearsal.

“How are you actually doing Sam?”

Sam sighed, trying not to convey any emotion in his sigh. “I don’t know. I’m okay I guess.”

Will nodded, accepting the answer.

Mercedes wanted to ask, but she knew she was only going to do more harm than good for him now, so she slightly nudged Kurt’s side, hoping he would ask.

Kurt got the hint and was careful as he asked. “Sam, why… why’d you do it?”

Sam closed his eyes. He had to get this across properly.

“Look, I didn’t try to kill myself, okay? I just… I kept cutting because it helped me deal with everything. I tried to stop… But my doctor explained, it’s kind of an addiction. Which makes sense because I know I don’t want to do it, but I need it. It’s like I go around every day just feeling numb, but when I hurt myself, I feel something. I was upset that day and I just drove off campus. I just parked somewhere and needed to do it, okay? I didn’t mean to go that far…”

Everyone seemed to be evaluating his answer.

“So does this mean you won’t do it anymore?” Tina asked.

Sam was quiet for a moment before he answered. “I don’t know. It’s not that easy. I can’t just turn it off… ”

Puck was nervous. “Wait, so this might all happen again?”

“Guys, I can’t promise I’ll never hurt myself again. I can’t tell you the future, I can only tell you I’m going to be trying. That has to be enough or else I don’t see the point…”

“Sam you have to get better. We’re sorry if we’re not understanding, but it’s just weird that you don’t seem to want to get better.” Rachel interjected.

“I’m sorry you guys. None of this is going to make sense to you because it barely makes sense to me.”

Mercedes thought it was her time to say something. She knew Sam best, whether anyone else knew that or not.

“Sam…” She started hesitantly. “We know you’ve always been so good at doing things for other people. So if you can’t do this for yourself, please do it for us.” She began to tear up as she looked around at the group.

“Sitting in that waiting room, not knowing if you were going to live was the worst experience we’ve ever had,” everyone around her nodded.

“We were so scared Sam, and we’re not always going to do or say the right things to help you, but you have to know that we are going to try our best.”

Mercedes seemed to be able to say what everyone needed said. She was the only one however, to know that Sam couldn’t think of doing this for himself. Everyone knew he was the most selfless guy they knew, but they hadn’t really made the connection that he wouldn’t even think of doing anything to help himself. He was always so caught up in how to help everyone else around him that he would completely ignore that he needed help too.

Everyone was quiet again until Brittany asked the only thing no one else had the nerve to ask. “Sam, what exactly does your arm look like now?”

They all wanted to see his arm, but they also realized that it was kind of private for Sam and he shouldn’t be pressured into sharing that if he didn’t want to. But Brittany didn’t think that way. She knew that it was what everyone, including Sam, needed to happen. She somehow understood that people had been glancing at his covered arms and they’d all talked about it at one point or another as Quinn, Kurt, or Mercedes shared the tragic moments of finding Sam in his car. Brittany maybe didn’t understand things all the time, but she could tell this was a logical next step.

Sam looked off to the side for a moment. He knew Mercedes was right. He needed to recover for his friends and family. He was being selfish by wallowing in his self-loathing and self-harm. He also knew that the sooner they saw his arm, the sooner this could all be over. He quickly glanced over his group of friends and then looked down to his sleeve. The entire room was still as Sam rolled up his sleeve and closed his eyes, allowing everyone to see the raw intensity of what he’d actually done.

His only clue as to what they thought was the gasps he heard as the glee kids stared at his arm. He finally opened his eyes and saw that some had looked away, crying, and other couldn’t seem to stop staring. Mainly, Puck, Artie, Mike, Brittany, and Santana couldn’t look away. Mercedes was looking directly into Sam’s eyes, trying to see if she could find even a spark of the boy she was in love with. Finn still looked to be in shock from when he’d first seen Sam’s arm, and Kurt was holding Rachel while cried. Tina cried into Mike’s chest and Sugar just stared at the floor while Rory looked over Sam as a whole, really seeing how much this was all affecting Sam’s whole body.

Finally, Sam rolled his sleeve back down and stared at the wall behind his friends.

“Um, so if you guys don’t have anything else, I’m kind of tired…”

Everyone thought for a moment, but said nothing. Will knew that everyone was emotionally exhausted now. He looked over the kids and shook his head. “I think it’s a good idea if everyone got some rest tonight.”

Sam stood up. “Thanks for being here for me you guys. I’ll see you all on Monday.”

After Sam had gone into his room Will looked back to the others and really saw how all of this was affecting them. Everyone had been so focused on Sam lately that they’d forgotten anything else happening. They mainly all looked tired; they looked older.

Carole, who had been sitting quietly overlooking the whole exchange finally chimed in.

“I don’t want anyone leaving here until they’re okay to drive. You’re all welcome to be here as long as you need.”

Will nodded and thanked Carole before turning back to the glee club.

“How are you guys all feeling?”

Artie looked around at the others before speaking. “It’s just freaky Mr. Schue. Like, how could he do that to himself? It looks…”

“Scary.” Sugar said, finishing his sentence.

“I just don’t understand how someone could hate themselves that much that they could do…that.” Finn said quietly. “Like, we’ve all been upset and we’ve all been through a lot, but we’ve never done _that_ to ourselves.”

Blaine sighed. He knew what they were all talking about, but he knew where Sam was coming from.

“You guys, when you’ve all had problems, you’ve still just been able to see the good in yourselves… It’s different when you hate everything about yourself- when all the problems you’re having boil down to the fact that you are the way you are.”

Everyone stared at Blaine. Will spoke gently. “Blaine, have you ever…”

Blaine shook his head. “No. But I can tell you I thought about it years ago… when I first came out. My dad refused to accept me and I was being bullied… horribly… every day. All my problems were because I was gay and I couldn’t change that.” Blaine took a deep breath. “Sam thinks that all his problems are because he is who he is and he really does believe that he deserves to be in so much pain.”

Kurt wrapped his arm around Blaine’s shoulder and with his other hand, held onto Blaine’s hand.

“Mr. Schue? I think we should find something to sing to Sam.” Rachel said softly, glancing up at their teacher.

“Yeah… why don’t you guys all think of something for Monday, okay?”


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Right, so last chapter. The song below is called Lost by Michael Buble. It’s an awesome song and I recommend listening to it. More notes at the end.

 

Monday came around and everyone was caught up in thinking about Valentine’s Day. Sam was expecting everyone to be talking about love songs and Valentines, but was surprised with what happened instead. Rachel stood up as soon as everyone was in the room.

“Sam? If it’s okay with you, we all have a song we need to sing to you.”

Sam figured this day was coming. He of course nodded. He knew that feelings in glee club were always best expressed through song and he owed it to them to let them get their feelings out. He just wasn’t expecting the song they chose.

_I can't believe it's over_   
_I watched the whole thing fall_   
_And I never saw the writing that was on the wall_   
_If I'd only knew_   
_The days were slipping past_   
_That the good things never last_   
_That you were crying_   
  
_Summer turned to winter_   
_And the snow it turned to rain_   
_And the rain turned into tears upon your face_   
_I hardly recognized the boy you are today_   
_And, God, I hope it's not too late_   
_Hmmm... It's not too late_   
_'Cause you are not alone_   
_I'm always there with you_   
_And we'll get lost together_   
_'Til the light comes pouring through_   
_'Cause when you feel like you're done_   
_And the darkness has won_   
_Babe, you're not lost_   
_When your world's crashing down_   
_And you can't bear the thought_   
_I said, babe, you're not lost_

Sam began to cry as he watched his friends sing through their own tears. The pain and sadness that was flowing through the group as they sang was too much for Sam. He finally saw the gravity of what he’d been doing to himself as they continued their song.

_Life can show no mercy_   
_It can tear your soul apart_   
_It can make you feel like you've gone crazy; But you're not_   
_Things have seemed to change_   
_There's one thing that's still the same_   
_In my heart you have remained_   
_And we can fly- fly- fly away_   
  
_'Cause you are not alone_   
_And I am there with you_   
_And we'll get lost together_   
_'Til the light comes pouring through_   
_'Cause when you feel like you're done_   
_And the darkness has won_   
_Babe, you're not lost_   
_When the world's crashing down_   
_And you cannot bear the cross_   
_I said, baby, you're not lost_   
_I said, baby, you're not lost_   
_I said, baby, you're not lost_   
_I said, baby, you're not lost_

Everyone was crying. Even the ever so strong Puck was in tears as they finished the song. Sam stood up and walked over to the group as they enveloped him into a group hug.

“I am _so_ sorry.” Sam’s voice cracked as he allowed himself to accept their love and support. “Thank… Thank you all, so much.”

***********

The next day in glee club everyone began to talk about plans for Valentine’s Day. When Sugar got up to make an announcement and talk about her party, Sam desperately wished that he could take Mercedes. He just wanted to be close with her again.

He tried to give her a valentine a couple days early, Wednesday to be exact, and she just broke his heart again when she wouldn’t be with him. He didn’t know how to deal with all the sadness that weighed his heart down. He sat down in glee and listened to her sing “I’ll Always Love You” that afternoon and wanted to cry. He couldn’t look at her as she sang. He stared across the room and focused on not tearing up. He smiled slightly as he heard her belt out the final chorus, but he couldn’t stop himself from crying. His sad smile faded as he let his tears fall. As soon as she was done, he walked out of the choir room. Everyone stared at her, realizing what actually just happened. Kurt ran out of the room after Sam. “Why’d you have to do that?” He said sharply to her before leaving.

Kurt looked around the hallway but couldn’t find Sam. He hugged himself and walked back into the choir room. “I don’t know where he went.”

Mercedes began to cry. She was so stupid. She didn’t even think about how Sam might react. No one knew what to say. Puck got up and kicked his chair. “Damn it!”

Will had to calm them down. “Guys, relax. Sam has a support plan in place now. We just have to trust he’s using it. Why doesn’t someone call him?”

Quinn nodded and took out her phone. She dialed Sam’s number and prayed to God he’d answer.

“What do you want Quinn?” Sam answered calmly on the third ring.

“Sam, we just wanted to make sure you’re okay… you ran out of here pretty quickly.” Quinn spoke quietly.

“I’m fine. I just can’t be in glee today. I’m not going to do anything stupid.” Sam said defensively. He was sitting in his car, still not sure exactly what he was going to do.

“Alright Sam, do you want any company?”

“No thanks, just tell everyone I’m sorry about walking out. I’ll be back tomorrow.”

Sam hung up and looked at his phone. He did want company. He needed to talk to someone, but he didn’t want to admit it to anyone in that room. He had a lot of history with all of them and he loved them and knew they were there for him, but at the same time, they wouldn’t exactly understand. He’d dated both Quinn and Santana and they’d both hurt him before. Mercedes was the one he was now in love with. He and Finn used to be on and off with who was the alpha man on the football field and in glee. Granted, this was all last year, but he knew that they just wouldn’t understand how much help Sam really needed, even after they made their declaration of support in song, he didn’t know how to ask for that help when he really needed it.

He went through his contacts and saw Blaine’s name. He remembered back to Blaine’s note and figured he mind as well see if Blaine wanted to hang out.

After a couple rings, Blaine answered. He was surprised, but told Sam to come over. He hadn’t had any visitors other than Kurt in a couple days, so he changed out of his pajamas and waited for Sam to show up.

******

“Hey Sam, why aren’t you in glee?” Blaine asked as Sam entered his bedroom.

“I was, I just. Blaine, I gotta talk to someone.” His voice waivered slightly and he rubbed his scarred arm thorough his hoodie with his palm.

Blaine only had one working eye, but he could still see Sam was struggling. “Yeah, come sit here. What’s going on?”

Sam sat down in the chair next to Blaine’s bed and sighed. He explained the situation with Mercedes and he couldn’t stop himself from crying.

“It’s just every time she rejects me I hate myself all over again. I’m not stupid; I know I don’t deserve her, but I just need her to feel alive again.”

Blaine listened and his heart broke for the kid. He didn’t have any answers, but he knew Sam had made a decision to come here instead of hurt himself.

“Sam, you do deserve her. You mentioned what Mercedes said when she didn’t accept your valentine. It sounds like she needs time for herself. It has nothing to do with you or what you did; it’s about what she did.”

Sam was quiet for a moment before nodding. That made sense. Mercedes did keep telling him how much she loved him.

“Thanks Blaine…”

Blaine thought for a moment. “Sam, can I ask you something?”

“Yeah.”

“Did you come here instead of hurting yourself?” Blaine was hesitant, but he needed to make sure.

Sam nodded. “I… I did. Is that okay?”

“Sam of course it is! You can call me up anytime you need to.”

A smile spread across Sam’s face and he realized that he really was friends with Blaine. “Thanks Blaine… Um, can we just hang out or something?”

“Yeah, you can beat me in Call of Duty a couple times. I’m not very good without my depth perception.” Blaine chuckled and tossed a controller to Sam.

Sam laughed as he caught the controller. Blaine’s aim was awful but luckily Sam had been on the football team; Blaine was right, his depth perception sucked.

They played video games for a while until Kurt showed up. Kurt was surprised when he found Sam in Blaine’s room.

“Oh. Hey Sam, didn’t expect to see you here.”

Sam could hear the confusion in Kurt’s voice and became worried. “Is that okay? I was about to leave.”

Realization settled into Kurt and he smiled. “No, no, it’s great. You can stick around if you want.”

Sam gave a small smile. “No, I really do need to get back to your house. I’m not allowed to skip dinner anymore.”

Blaine raised an eyebrow at Kurt. He had no idea what Sam meant, but he quickly said goodbye to Sam.

“I’ll see you later Sam. Thanks for coming by.”

“Yeah. Thanks for letting me chill with you.”

As soon as Sam had left Kurt was going to begin the 20 questions routine. But Blaine spoke first.

“What exactly did Sam mean just now?”

Kurt sighed as he took the seat Sam was just in. “There’s a lot of new rules for Sam now that we’re all trying to get him better. Part of his diagnosis at the hospital was body dysmorphic disorder. He doesn’t have an eating disorder, but it’s was leading there. He has to relearn eating habits, which means eating at every meal.”

********

Sam was actually happy when Valentine’s Day actually rolled around. He was singing with the God Squad at Sugar’s party. It still kind of hurt to have to sing with Mercedes, but he was glad that with all the excitement, the focus would be off of him. He just forgot about everything and danced with all his friends.

That’s really how Sam spent most of his time now. Over the next several months, Sam spent a lot of time just focusing on other people again. He didn’t seem to hate himself as often as he used to and things were getting back to normal.

Sam stayed strong, even after David Karofsky’s suicide attempt. Sam was grateful that people seemed to recognize that even though Sam had almost died a couple weeks before, his situation was different; he hadn’t actually wanted to kill himself.

But they all got through it and even won Regionals.

Then when Quinn was hurt and ended up in a wheelchair, everyone still seemed to get through. Quinn was in good spirits, which helped everyone stay supportive.

Sam did miss his family a lot, but he was still talking to them every other day, just as he promised. He was seeing his therapist once a week and hadn’t hurt himself since shortly after Valentine’s Day. It wasn’t a relapse, but he slipped up. He had a pretty bad day and he was really tired of fighting it all the time, so he gave in. He cut his thighs like he had originally started and it scared him how easy it all was for him to start up again. So he quickly cleaned up after only 3 cuts and hadn’t cut since.

During disco week in glee, Sam became happier than he had in a long time. He had recorded Mercedes performance of Disco Inferno and had posted the video on youtube. After a couple days, the video had hundreds of hits and comments and he had to show her how much everyone loved her singing. He explained to her how he knew she was going to succeed. He believed in her so much more than he ever believed in anyone else and he loved her, whether she wanted to be with him or not.

A smile spread across her face and he just had to kiss her. She looked so perfect and he was so glad that even if he couldn’t always help himself he could always help others. He leaned in to kiss her and all his worries seemed to fade as she leaned in and let the kiss happen. He forgot about all of the other meaningless people he had been with in Kentucky and all that mattered was the love for her that filled his entire body.

Sam was so glad that they were finally back together. He finally felt like he was worth something. He finally felt like he could be a normal teenage boy.

A couple days after getting back together, Mercedes and Sam were sitting in the living room at Mercedes house after school. Her parents were still at work and Sam was over to watch a movie and hang out before dinner.

They lay on the couch, Mercedes resting her head on Sam’s chest. She loved listening to his heart beat and feeling his chest move up and down with every breath. It reminded her how very lucky they were that he was alive.

After the movie ended, neither of them got up. Sam moved his left hand and gently moved Mercedes hair behind her ear. She smiled and closed her eyes. They stayed in their moment for as long as time would let them; basking in the love they had for each other. At 5, Sam’s cell phone alarm went off. Dinner was at 6 in the Hudson-Hummel’s tonight and Sam would have to leave soon. He sighed as they both sat up and Sam turned off the alarm.

“Stupid dinner…” he muttered to himself.

“Sam, you have to eat sometime.” Mercedes knew Sam was always a fitness freak but she never really paid attention to how Sam never really ate. She had only started noticing now because he had started eating normally, which was odd behavior for Sam, and she never thought it wasn’t by choice.

“Yeah, well I wish I didn’t have to.” Sam’s face fell as he thought about how much weight he had probably put on recently. He hadn’t been allowed to weigh himself since he had gotten out of the hospital, but he could see it, every time he looked in the mirror- the fat just staring back at him.

“Sam… What’s wrong?”

Sam sighed again and leaned back into the couch. “They just don’t get it is all.”

“Get what?” Mercedes was slightly confused.

“They’re making me eat every meal. They don’t understand how fat they’re making me.”

Mercedes raised an eyebrow. She was officially dating a crazy white boy. She didn’t get it. She knew fat, she was much bigger than Sam, but he thought he was fat? Sam’s body was to die for and she loved it. “Sam, your body is as perfect as always.”

Sam took his shirt off quickly. “No, Mercedes,” he pulled skin from his abs, showing it off as fat. “This, this is-”

“That’s skin Sam.” She interrupted. “There is no fat, just skin… where’s this coming from?”

Sam stared at his stomach and was quiet, seemingly caught up in his own head. After a minute he apologized. “I’m sorry Mercedes. It’s… I don’t know, I always just thought that everyone knew I was fat, but the doctors say I have something called Body Dysmorphic Disorder. I’ve been trying to get better about it, but it’s still so weird for me to eat all the time…”

Mercedes stared at her boyfriend. She was shocked. She never thought that this fit, blonde, beautiful boy wouldn’t be able to see how amazing he really looked.

“Sam, I love every single, _beautiful_ part of you.” She gently grabbed his scarred arm and ran her fingers over the raised scars, some older and white, others still pink. “I really wish you could see how gorgeous you really are.”

“Maybe someday…” Sam gave a small smile and kissed her softly.

“Thanks Mercedes… I should probably get going. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

“Yeah Sam. Call me if you need anything.” Mercedes smiled and watched him stand up, putting on his shirt. She really hated seeing him lost in his own head.

 Luckily, that was the only night Sam had struggled. Having Mercedes back kept him busy and happy. They spent the rest of the year together, having fun at prom and winning Nationals. Everything was finally going just the way Sam wanted it to.

A few weeks after graduation, Sam sat in Mercedes room and smiled as he thought about all the memories he and Mercedes shared throughout their relationship. He was so ridiculously happy that she had taken him back but he had known that things would be ending between them. She was leaving for L.A. tomorrow and Sam was going to start his senior year in a couple months. She had talked about trying to do a long distance relationship, but Sam knew it wouldn’t work out. He knew it would be selfish of him to hold her back.

“Sam… if you ever need anything, you call me.” Mercedes was really quite sad to be leaving him. She knew it was all for the best, trying to keep a relationship going long distance would be too much for both of them.

“I know… And same for you, I will always love you Mercedes, but you are going to go out there and become a bigger star than the universe will know what to do with.” He smiled. He’d always loved the stars.

“You know I love you too. I’m glad that we’re still here for each other. I just wish I could take you with me. I’m going to miss you so much.” Mercedes felt warm tears fall down her cheeks and Sam wiped them away.

“We’ll see each other sooner than you know it. Besides, you’re going to be too busy getting famous to even remember that you’re supposed to be missing me.” He gave a soft laugh.

Mercedes smiled weakly and looked over the boy she loved. “Sam… you’re going to be okay, right?”

Sam was quiet but he smiled. “You know what… I think I’m going to be just fine.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So… endings are the worst. I didn’t really want Sam to be in anymore pain for the rest of the year. I tried to write something about things during Karofsky’s suicide attempt, but I was watching the episode and just didn’t like mixing Sam in there. It didn’t make a lot of sense. So hopefully it kind of worked out. I just kind of wanted to breeze through the rest of the year instead of focusing on everything. The important part was that he’d been getting better. I also kind of just wrote an ending for the Samcedes relationship since we never got one. I like to think it ended nicely. Anywho, eventually I will write a short-ish sequel. I don’t really want to do it until season 4 wraps up.
> 
> Any thoughts you have or suggestions for stuff are appreciated. Stay awesome :)


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